It’s Not The “Ick,” It’s a Defense Mechanism
Image Courtesy: TikTok/laurenwhelxn (Both Images)
We all get the “ick.” Maybe it’s from someone you just met, or maybe, it’s from someone you’ve been dating for a while. Whatever that person did that wasn’t to your liking, an uncontrollable cringey feeling quickly takes over. Sometimes it’s just a blip, but other times, the “ick” is so powerful you can’t get past it. Believe it or not, this may not be an “ick” at all, but your defense mechanism. And in reality, the person did nothing cringey.
If you’re an eligible twenty-something like me, you have also probably been on many dates. After a while, I noticed myself showing the same pattern. A lot of the time, I would end it with the guy right after the first date. Why? Because I got the “ick.” But in taking a closer look, there really wasn’t any good reason I got the “ick.” I would tell myself things like, “I just didn’t feel a huge spark,” or “I didn’t like his outfit.” After some learning, I came to terms with the fact that none of my reasons for ghosting were valid. After all, how can you accurately judge someone’s entire personality and who they are after spending 2 hours on a date with them? Spoiler alert; you can’t. This was all just me trying to protect myself.
Some “icks” are real red flags. For instance, if they treat you poorly or if they go against one of your non-negotiable morals. However, many things people talk about aren’t valid “icks.” My friends have expressed to me things like, “He wore this ugly shirt,” “I saw her trip and fall,” and “He is into this nerdy hobby.” Many of us would typically get second-hand embarrassment from these things, but to completely pull away from a relationship over it? That’s where it starts to become you, not them.
If you are a person that tends to get the “ick” a lot, this is not actually beneficial. The “ick” acts as a defense mechanism, “protecting” you from getting hurt. This is an unconscious process. You may not be aware of what is happening internally; you only know you feel an intense turn-off toward a person. But why? Is it truly because you no longer like them? If this pattern tends to happen to you frequently, the answer is probably no. It is really because you are afraid of getting hurt. We are shielding ourselves from the possibility that the relationship actually works out. What happens when a relationship works out, and you develop strong feelings for the person? There is a chance that they can hurt you. This is the underlying culprit for the invalid “icks” we get. In reality, no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Your unconscious mind forgets this and feeds off the little “mistakes” the other person makes, turning you off to them. I’m sorry to tell you, but your “perfect” soulmate/love of your life will also make mistakes and do cringey things occasionally. It’s inevitable.
When it comes to knowing the difference between an actual red flag and an invalid “ick,” it can be tricky. I am still struggling with telling the difference sometimes. When you suddenly feel turned off by someone, keep a few things in mind. Did they actually do anything wrong enough for you to completely stop the relationship? Are your expectations unrealistically high? If you did the same “ick” that they did, would you expect them to ghost you too? Depending on your answers to this, you can try to determine whether it was an “ick” or your defense mechanism.
Remember not to let your unconscious fears of getting hurt dictate your chance at relationships. That is what happens when the “ick” takes over. Next time you feel completely turned off by someone you were once interested in, stop and think. Did they actually do something genuinely unlikeable, or is it just your defense mechanism trying to push them away?
Strike Out,
Ally Nelson
Boca Raton
Ally Nelson is a Content Writer for Strike Magazine Boca. Her passions include studying psychology, creating art and fashion, and drinking margaritas. You can reach her on Instagram @a.l.l.y_n or email @ nelsonalyssa.h@gmail.com.
