To Love Myself

car ride home from pre-K I confessed

mommy I wish I was white so that I could be pretty

sitting, baby toothed, hair bobbles color coordinated

tight in my hair, no one told me that

I wasn’t pretty, just figured

I wasn’t normal or something or else

I’d have seen myself on any TV channel

apart from the news.

some school night 2006 my dad calls me over

and says that I’m getting so big

bigger than my big sister

and I nervous laugh, nodding

when he says I should eat less

no more sitting on the backs of my heels

thighs too big big as australia so

I go on a diet for eight years

and no one gets curious.

puberty gets frustrating,

I thought I got an admirer,

burned the ends off my hair over and over

wanted to be straight as an arrow so until then

I ran from romantics till I felt any amount of lovely

liked my skin better in the winter, so fair

and unfairly hated the plump of my lips,

hid from my friends and my parents

on hair wash days because I felt like I was melting

couldn’t relax, thought I might go down the drain

with the relaxer and the blood.

having groomed myself to be pretty

as I could be, but not white, according to the youtube videos

and my jealousies, I still got sick on the inside

so sick and still so alone and wanting to feel lovely

and loved on my way out…I was ugly

and dying even on the medication

and finally, lying on the carpet

I had to beg myself for some empathy.

the only love I could be certain of

the only love I could deserve was

the love I gave myself

So I figured I’d just fake it maybe make it.

this year

I am pretty I am lovely

I am Black and, thankfully,

even on my worst days loved

by myself. and when I love myself

I am rebellious and when I own myself

I am rebellious and when we love each other

the devil laments our loveliness, us, children of God.

by Theresa Azemar

In celebration of Black History Month and the month of love, we wanted to explore the vulnerability that self-love calls for, the struggle of self-growth, and how identity can impact our perception of love. We invited our models for this concept to open up about their own journey to love – here are their responses.

EDEN TESFAY, 19

What is love to you? I feel like, especially with the events in 2020, my views on love have transitioned. Love to me now is moving beyond yourself, being able to truly stand in solidarity with others, especially communities of color, being able to support others and see the humanity in others. You could say you love someone, but if that love isn't embodied in your actions and your words and your thoughts, I don't think that's true love. It goes beyond simply saying, Hey, I love you. Are you going to stand in solidarity with them? Are you going to be constantly supporting them? Because to me, that’s love.

ALLAN NJOMO, 20

What is love? There's no way for me to conceptualize just this idea of love, or at least what love means to me, without going to the base that God is love. God created me out of love and has bestowed this creativity and beauty upon me. My height, my, my skin color, my hair. Every little thing, every single detail coming from this divine creator. For me, that's what love is: God created me beautiful. God created me awesome, He created me wonderfully. 

How do you express love? It’s really important to be there for others and remind them of their value. It can be weird throwing a compliment to someone, especially black men, because we don't [often] get this. We don't get to feel love often. Sometimes it feels like wherever we are in the world, everything's trying to come at us, whether it's, you know, random people calling the police on us or people giving us glances, we’re seen as a danger. The whole world can be thorny towards us. So it's important for us to love ourselves and remind people of who they are, what they bring to the table, and to breathe confidence into them.”

You have the platform to tell your readers how to find love within themselves. What is your one piece of advice? Be open to who you are and who you're becoming. Embrace every inch of your being. And it's a struggle, it’s hard, there are going to be bad days. But find the right people around you who can serve as reminders, find the right music that can serve as reminders. And let yourself serve as a reminder, right? Whether it's looking at yourself or writing down your words or writing music, using some channel to really process how you feel. And then use that to propel you into self-love.

CHI OPARA, 20

How has society affected how you perceive love?

I think that society definitely places a lot of weight on romantic love, and it kind of ignores all the other types of love that you can experience. And I think that's very counterproductive because you can live a full life relying on your friends and family.

Is there anything you’re still working on in your self-love journey? In the black community, we place a lot of pressure on hair, I would say. So, before I started loving the way I interact with people, the main thing I loved about myself was my hair. And I placed a lot of weight on that, but I don't feel as dependent on my hair to represent me anymore. I still haven't reached the place where I would feel comfortable without it. So by the time I graduate, I think I just want to shave it all off, to be honest. I haven't reached that point in my journey yet where I am comfortable with that, but that's definitely something I would like to do. One day.

SKYLER HAMILTON, 21

How do you express love? You never know what someone's going through; it may be a stranger or maybe a friend or maybe a family member. You just never know what they're going through. Everywhere I go, I try to smile at people I come in contact with and ask them you know, “How are you?” and I think that is what love is. It's reaching out to everyone and showing love everywhere. Growing up, my grandma was always pushing me to be a good person in society; I remember she would always say, ‘Wherever you are, make sure you're the light.’ And so that became a big thing for me. My mom would always tell me to reach for my dreams and just be a positive light for whoever I come in contact with. She used to take me to church all the time and I would learn about love through God, which has also helped me mold myself and my perception of love. And I'm like, if God can love everyone, and we can all love God, then why can't we all love each other?

What has been your biggest struggle on your journey to self-love? Growing up, I've always gone to predominantly white institutions and so I really struggled trying to figure out who I was when I was little […] there weren’t a lot of people that looked like me, or that could personally relate to what I was going through […]. And it wasn't until I was older where there were more people of color, more African Americans, more Hispanics, and just more people that could relate to what I was going through. Ever since I was able to firmly grasp who I was as a black child and who I was meant to be, I've been so proud of who I am.

RORY JASPER, 20

What is love? Having a sense of empathy and a sense of decency. Especially in today's society, we're really at a deficit of empathy for one another, and for trying to take ourselves and immerse ourselves into other people's shoes.

You have the platform to tell your readers how to find love within themselves.  What is your one piece of advice? Trust the process […] you don't need validation from other people. You just need love from yourself and you just need to continue to tell yourself that you are worthy. You are worth being here. You are worth being at Notre Dame and you are worth being alive.

DANAI MATARA, 22

How do you love yourself?

I think to love yourself, you need an understanding of who you are. I'm foreign - I was born in Zimbabwe, but I came here when I was two to Orlando, Florida, and I've been here ever since. Knowing your roots, knowing your family is so important. It's something that has helped me understand who I am. I feel like a lot of people can mistake that and take it for granted, but I think it's really good to embrace where you come from.

How has society affected how you see love?

All that's going on today has probably corrupted how I view love. If you're in a position of power, or you have a platform - not just being president, even a social media influencer - you're kind of put on a pedestal. It's definitely a great opportunity to show love, but I feel like many times, people have abused their power in some way; they have particularly corrupted the definition of love, or they haven't really shown it, or have put out the wrong message as to what love is. 

JADE MILLER, 20

Are there any specific people that have helped you develop self-love? I am very fair-complexioned being mixed, my dad's white and my mom is black. So in the past I've struggled with my black identity. I feel like seeing people like Zendaya, light-skinned black girls, who are owning their blackness despite having lighter complexions has really helped me become comfortable with my skin.

How has society affected how you perceive love?

My birthday is June 26, the anniversary of the law that made gay marriage legal across the country, and I’ve started seeing things more represented on social media more and finally becoming a normal thing – as it should. As a young girl, I would always see different people who didn't look like me on screen, and now that's starting to change where there’s more people of color being represented. It lets me be more comfortable with who I am because there are others that look like me.

IAN COATES, 18

What is love to you? I think a good way to put that is – and I was talking with my family about this a while ago – is an intangible tangibility. What I mean by that is that even though it's not something you can actually touch, it's so real that it almost feels like you can touch it.

How do you love yourself? In order to really love yourself, you have to not care what other people think about you. I feel like if there was nothing to compare yourself to, you'd have no reason to hate yourself. Because you'd see nothing wrong with yourself.

Are there any specific people who have impacted you on your self-love journey? The high school I went to was really, really big. That being said, it was a predominantly white school - there were about 1000 people in my class, and I'd say there were maybe 20 black people, and only a few more people of color. And I don't know how to explain this, but it was just kind of a thing - if you're going to predominately white school, and you see some people of color, you just have to talk to them. And we all had a little group chat, and it was something you could always go back to, in case you needed to talk about something or you needed to vent about something. I wasn't even that great friends with these people. It's just the fact that we share this that brought us together.

Strike Out,

Concept: Theresa Tulsiak and Ana Wolfermann

Editors: Trinity Reilly and Theresa Tulsiak

Poem by: Theresa Azemar

Photographers: Ahlering Jackoboice, Theresa Tulsiak, and Ana Wolfermann

Makeup: Alexy Monsalve

Styling: Cece Giarman and Olivia Mandella

Models: Eden Tesfay, Allan Njomo, Chi Opara, Skyler Hamilton, Rory Jasper, Danai Matara, Jade Miller, and Ian Coates

Notre Dame