The Science of Toxic Relationships
Have you constantly felt anxious in a relationship when nothing of huge significance has happened? Or, you’ve felt yourself wanting to pull away from your partner but are unsure why. Next thing you know, your relationship is in rocky waters, and nothing seems to be making a lasting improvement. Instances like these can be incredibly confusing to figure out. Believe it or not, there is a recurring structure that almost all of these types of relationships resemble—an anxious-avoidant trap.
The anxious-avoidant trap is the push-and-pull cycle that may happen when a person with an avoidant attachment style and a person with an anxious attachment style gets into a relationship. Essentially, each partner has conflicting needs. As neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine explains, “When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue.” People with avoidant attachments tend to value their own space and are comfortable with some sort of distance from their partner. People with anxious attachments tend to appreciate a close and intimate relationship, and anything else feels uncomfortable. It’s clear that each person wants a different level of intimacy or space in the relationship. When both partners’ needs don't align, problems can arise.
One of the reasons it is referred to as a “trap” is because of its cyclical pattern of toxic behavior. Dr. Levine states, “The reason people in an anxious-avoidant relationship find it particularly hard to move toward more security is primarily because they are trapped in a cycle of exacerbating each other’s insecurities.” When one person acts on their needs that they are not receiving, it causes the other person to feel more uncomfortable and act on their own opposing needs. For example, if the anxiously attached partner wishes to feel closer to the other partner, they will try and do things to increase the intimacy in their relationship. If the other partner has a highly avoidant attachment style, this will make them uncomfortable. As a result, they will pull away from the anxious partner. This causes the anxious partner to want to become even closer to the avoidant partner. As you can imagine, the avoidant partner then pulls away further. For this reason, people in an anxious-avoidant trap often fight about minor problems and rarely come to a comforting resolution.
Here’s an example of what this can look like in real life: Lola is upset because Ian doesn’t post her much on social media. She has posted him numerous times and is proud to let it be known that they are together. He explains that he doesn’t need to make a post to prove his affection for her and prefers to keep his personal relationships private. Although this problem seems minor, Lola and Ian often get into huge fights about it, which constantly harms their relationship.
This is a very common conflict that couples face today. However, it is actually just the surface of a much deeper issue. Lola isn’t actually upset that she isn’t being posted on Instagram. She is upset because she feels Ian is keeping her at too much of a distance. She values a very close and intimate relationship. Ian, having an avoidant attachment, is not fulfilling her need for intimacy. This is because Ian feels comfortable keeping her at a distance. Doing things to become closer to Lola makes him feel uncomfortable. In this example, the thing he avoids doing is posting her on social media. What makes situations like these so difficult to resolve is that most people are unaware of their own intimacy needs and their partner’s. Ian doesn’t understand why Lola is so upset. Lola doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to Ian that he refuses to post her. Lola and Ian don’t even fully understand their own feelings. That’s why Lola can’t just say, “I want to feel closer to you,” and Ian can’t just say, “It’s hard for me to be intimate, and I need some space in the relationship.”
For people in an anxious-avoidant trap, resolution can be challenging. One thing that will help people understand their needs, as well as their partner’s, is understanding their attachment styles. If you know which attachment style you predominantly resemble, you can begin to understand your thinking patterns. If you figure out your partner’s attachment style, you can better understand their thoughts and actions. It may take a bit of research to figure out your style, as many people are a mixture of styles and not only one. Curious about your own attachment style? Take this quiz to get an idea. If you are curious about your partner’s (or previous partner’s) attachment style, give this one a try.
The anxious-avoidant trap can lead to a toxic downward spiral. Escaping the trap is possible, but it takes hard work and compromise. Self-awareness and communication are key to overcoming confusing conflicts. Putting in the effort to understand your thinking patterns will allow you to form healthier relationships that last.
Strike Out,
Ally Nelson
Boca Raton
Ally Nelson is a Content Writer for Strike Magazine Boca. Her passions include studying psychology, creating art and fashion, and drinking margaritas. You can reach her on Instagram @a.l.l.y_n or email @ nelsonalyssa.h@gmail.com.
