How To Tell If You Are Actually A Nice Guy
We all know those “nice guys.” The guys who “never cheat,” “never lie,” and seem to treat women with “respect.” However, many of these guys are not what they seem. Many of these “nice guys” are only nice to get women. They may feel entitled to get what they want because they were so “kind.” In reality, this is not genuine niceness. There's a difference between genuinely good people and men who just seem nice. Here’s how to tell them apart.
We’ve all heard someone say, “no girls want me because I’m too nice.” But believe it or not, many women do want men who treat them with respect and honesty. Sometimes people may think they are being nice but are actually acting out of selfishness. Take a closer look and make sure you are being genuinely kind. Are you only being nice to women because you expect something in return? Are you being “nice” by guilting them into feeling bad for you? Only being polite because you expect a woman to get with you is not real kindness. Women deserve to be treated with kindness and respect all the time, not just because you want something they have.
In a study of social interactions from 1977, men were given photographs of women before they were expected to have a phone conversation with them. Some of the women in the photographs appealed to the men, while others were perceived as unattractive. During the study, “...the men behaved with warmth, humor, and animation when they thought they were talking to an attractive woman; they were reserved when they believed their conversation partner was unattractive.” Attractiveness bias is the tendency to perceive attractive people more positively, and it is often unconscious. This is exactly why these men treat women they find more attractive differently. Women have something they want. This is not genuine kindness. Genuinely nice people don’t expect anything in return for their actions.
Another sign of superficial kindness is when someone gets upset if they are pleasant to women and still get rejected. Entitlement plays a big role in this. Many boys are taught that if they are nice to women, they are bound to get what they want. Just because you treat someone respectfully does not obligate them to get with you. Whenever someone thinks they deserve praise for doing the absolute bare minimum, it’s a red flag. You’re expected to not act sh*tty or aggressive towards others. Being nice and respectful is the baseline requirement for any social relationship.
In an episode of White Lotus, characters Albie and Portia talk at dinner about how Albie is a “nice guy.” Albie says, “Girls complain that guys aren’t nice, but then if they find a nice guy, they aren’t always interested.” This is problematic because it suggests that all polite guys should be liked by all women. Men are not entitled to women just because they are nice. Mature people realize that there’s more that goes into liking someone than them being kind. There has to be chemistry, attraction, and similarity for two people to have feelings for each other. Just because a woman rejects a man, it doesn’t necessarily mean it was because he was “too nice” or “too mean.” That being said, it is true that some people are drawn to toxicity. People who have gone through toxic relationships are sometimes left to think that love is supposed to be toxic. As Dr. Roberts shares, a person like this might say, “‘Oh, I need a partner who gets my adrenaline going, otherwise, it gets boring.’ This has a lot to do with familiarity—people who grow up with chaos or emotional instability can develop the experience as their norm, which can impact what they seek in future relationships and leave them possibly self-sabotaging potential healthy relationships as it falls out of what they expect.” That is why some people say “women are attracted to assholes.” For people that are used to toxicity, “unhealthy relationships create a feeling of safety,” says Roberts. Some people will choose the asshole over the nicer alternative because of this. Yet, this still does not make guys any more entitled. Certainly, most people aren’t like this. Many women want a nice, respectful guy that treats them well. So, if they don’t have a predisposed attraction to toxic relationships yet still reject you after you were nice, that is okay. No one has to like someone just because they are respectful. No one has to like anyone, period. That just means that they weren’t the one. Keep your head up.
All in all, we must respect people and treat them with kindness. Don’t be an asshole to women just because you were nice to them, and they didn’t get with you in return. If you have felt resentful and angry towards a woman after having her say no, chances are you weren’t being genuinely nice. You were just playing the part of a “nice guy.”
Strike Out,
Ally Nelson
Boca Raton
Ally Nelson is a Content Writer for Strike Magazine Boca. Her passions include studying psychology, creating art and fashion, and drinking margaritas. You can reach her on Instagram @a.l.l.y_n or email @ nelsonalyssa.h@gmail.com.
