Like Moths to a Flame
When looking back on previous generations, relationships appeared to be very stable. Back in the day, people were going steady, but now, relationships (if you can even call them that) have never been rockier. Commitment is out and instant, yet temporary, gratification is in.
Growing up I was fortunate enough to have two pairs of grandparents that proved their commitment to growing old together and being life partners for the long haul. I would hear stories about dates, respect, receiving flowers, having car doors opened — all the chivalry you could imagine — and I envisioned that for myself. I never expected a Prince Charming, but I did expect someone who was dedicated to a partnership and putting the work in (as well as the small things, like receiving flowers occasionally). Granted, back then the time and gender roles were different, but why should those factors affect how much romance people deserve nowadays?
Image Courtesy: Southern Living
It was in 2020 when I first heard the term “situationship,” which is meant to describe being loyal to someone who refuses to put a label on a relationship. Even as I type situationship, a red line appears underneath it, emphasizing to me that such a thing doesn’t exist. Yet, up until recently, I continued to eat the concept up and romanticize it—and I know I’m not alone. The idea that someone who isn’t ready for commitment would change their mind just to be with you sounds romantic, but if I learned anything from the movie, He’s Just Not That Into You (2009), “You’re the rule, not the exception.” You may hear stories about someone deciding to change their mind about a relationship to be with the other person, but that person was the exception. Situationships logically do not have a high success rate, but don’t shoot the messenger, that’s just life. Going into it, you have this idea that you’re the exception to the possibility that it won’t work out in your favor when in reality, that person will not change their mind for you. They have to heal and do it for no one but themselves.
Image Courtesy: Scary Mommy
Situationships have conditioned us to be surprised when somebody puts in the effort to give us the treatment we deserve. I find myself having to make a mental note and remind friends to not praise another individual for being kind or acting in a way that should be considered the bare minimum. I, and many others, have dealt with people who are too closed off to express their feelings or are obsessed with the idea of “not caring” and being nonchalant, but newsflash… caring is cool. You shouldn’t have to constantly be playing a mental game of tug-o-war, trying to prove yourself when the other person becomes avoidant. The truth is, if the other person truly cared, they wouldn’t want you to be in that position in the first place.
If you put the concept of situationships under a microscope, the true transactional nature of it would be revealed. The person who doesn’t want the label gets to reap the benefits of a relationship with you, while you get to feel the adrenaline of wondering what person you’ll get on the phone that day, wondering when they’ll wake up one day and decide that you’re who they should be with exclusively. One person has power in the situationship, and they use that power to give breadcrumbs, but because we haven’t experienced anything different in this generation, those breadcrumbs keep us coming back like moths to a flame.
Image Courtesy: TV Wunschliste
Many people aren’t committed to relationships anymore, but they are committed to the idea of a future one. It’s so easy to be hopeful for a relationship that will never come to fruition because it’s all in your head, which then proposes the issue of finally coming face-to-face with someone who wants to give you a real relationship and you won’t know how to act. This is what I like to call the “situationship effect”. The situationship effect highlights the cyclical nature of one person being avoidant towards you, which then makes you avoidant to the next person you start to form a romantic relationship with, and the cycle continues from there.
The worst part of situationships is the feeling that you can’t even be sad when they end. Many people like to say, “It wasn’t even an official relationship, how could you be upset?” But it was, it just didn’t have the title. For anyone reading this, this is me validating your feelings toward the ending of a situationship. Just because the word technically isn’t real doesn’t mean the feelings weren’t.
Despite the popularity of temporary connections and lack of commitment, my standards have recently been reinforced. Call me naïve, and maybe no one will come along to meet those standards, but I will continue to firmly believe that someone who values you would consider your feelings and avoid putting you in a state of turmoil just so they don’t have to feel alone. You shouldn’t have to be the exception or prove yourself, and you definitely shouldn’t feel like you have to be anyone’s “long-term, long distance, low commitment, casual girlfriend,” (or boyfriend).
Strike Out,
Writer: Lindsey Limbach
Editor: Blake N. Fiadino
Tallahassee