You Don’t Need to Earn Love

Graphic By: Hana Rust

"The unobtainable nature of [a] person makes them more alluring," says psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie.

Discomfort upon entering healthy relationship dynamics is normal after a toxic relationship. You might find yourself infatuated with people who give you minimal attention and mixed signals. Leaving yourself wondering, why do I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again?

Much of this behavior comes from a strained parental relationship that failed to celebrate your accomplishments—driving a need to achieve more and more in desperate hopes of recognition. Consequently, you learned that love is hard and must be earned. When it comes easily, it doesn’t feel real. It’s too boring and unfulfilling. 

Instead, love exists as a chase, becoming those moments where your stomach has butterflies and your heart is racing simply from being too close to them. You’re obsessed with them. Every glance makes you smile, each text makes your heart race, and the amount of attention they give you on a given day is directly proportional to your happiness. Suddenly, every love song is about them.

In your head, they’re perfect. You can rationalize each of their flaws to fit this ideal image in your mind. It doesn’t matter how off-and-on they treat you because you already believe the fantasy you concocted. Once you’re together, they’ll complete you and solve each of your problems.

The attraction may be real, but in every one of these cases, it’s not about them, it’s about you. 

Your brain needs to glamorize and daydream because deep down you know it’s a fantasy. Looking forward to a future relationship with them is easier than engaging in what it takes to have a deep and meaningful relationship now. You’re afraid of that level of commitment and feel like you don’t deserve the people who try to give it to you.  

We accept the kind of treatment we think we deserve. Toxic relationships severely impact our self-worth and create a distorted reward system where we are attached to high-stress situations. After becoming  accustomed to an up-and-down environment, we may try to mimic this intensity to feel more in control, also known as a “need for chaos.” This can manifest through deliberately sabotaging healthy relationships. Pushing kind people away is common after having difficult relationships with a parent or significant other. 

Being mistreated, especially for a long period, reduces one’s self-image, and we may subconsciously think those who treat us with kindness are “too good” for us. As a result, we try to protect ourselves from the possibility of being betrayed by ending things early.

It’s important to unlearn the ideas that reduce your worth and love yourself before choosing a romantic partner. 

Love is about real emotional connections, where you feel an unintentional sense of belonging and trust. You don’t need to put up a facade or overthink interactions. It shouldn’t feel like a game of tug-of-war, overcompensating when your partner seems distant and pulling away when they give you attention. Love is not confusing.

You’re not hard to love. You’re worthy of good treatment at no cost. 

Strike Out,

St. Louis

Written By: Natalia Jamula

Edited By: Liora Raimondi and Emily Bekesh