I Think Weed Be Besties: My Dream Blunt Rotation
I’m done asking people who their dream dinner guest would be. If we’re dreaming, we should be soaring, not going to the Cheesecake Factory with our favorite authors. If a question dares to be personal, the question we need to be asking is, “Who’s in your Dream Blunt Rotation?” Antithetical to the Nightmare Blunt Rotation, a Dream Blunt Rotation (DBRTM) is much more telling of someone’s aspirations, goals and unseen desires. Crafting a Dream Blunt Rotation epitomizes the notion that life imitates art. In a moment of vulnerability, I willfully agree to share my DBRTM—consisting exclusively of fictional characters.
Image Courtesy: WhatCulture
Bellatrix LeStrange
I grew up on Harry Potter, so let me just say now that seeing the movies is an attendance prerequisite for the rotation’s later members. I hate that I even have to say that. This is why my love’s, Pete Davidson’s, invitation was lost in the mail. (He lied about reading books four through seven.) With that being said, I’ve always had a strange appreciation for Bellatrix. She’s always been unapologetically herself and loyal. And, she screams when unprompted—call them fits of passion! Speaking of fits, she is going to be dripped out in some all-black grunge mess that the next grunge TikToker will be pissed about. I just think she and I would vibe heavily, right after I make her Windgardium Leviosa this joint into my mouth. Politics get left at the door, so no death-eating shaming will take place.
Image Courtesy: SoundCloud
Chicken Joe
Oh my god, yes. A vibe connoisseur. We’re smoking under the stars with Chicken Joe, and even if he’s probably always high (literally), he respects the puff, puff, pass doctrine and instinctually follows it. The rules and guidelines of the fictional rotation are difficult to charter simply because I want nothing more than for Chicken Joe to sit to the right of Mac Miller. Even if there is no body of water in sight, he’s still leaving on a surfboard. I’m willing to pay money to have him there, but I believe for some reason that he doesn’t live a life bound by material currency.
Image Courtesy: Creative Bloq
Green M&M
Full disclosure: it was between Miss Girl and Samantha Jones; I couldn’t have too much sex appeal in one rotation. If she’s a controversial figure in politics, then call this political. Let the record reflect that I don't want the sneaker-wearing fraud present. She’s wearing her boots, and she’ll be the voice of reason in every corner of the conversation.
Image Courtesy: Teen Vogue
Alex Russo
Doing this to heal my inner child. By that I mean the girl with attitude, minorly disrespectful comebacks and the inability to wake up in the morning. Alex Russo bred that child, who’s now 20 years old in college. I see so much of myself in Alex that I feel having her in this roto would equate to having someone on my team. It’s almost a cop out, knowing she’d agree with everything I’d say. And, she could probably light the blunt with magic. I wonder if her magic and Bellatrix’s would clash? Or worse…Bellatrix would recruit her. Still the vibe!
Image Courtesy: Scoobypedia
Mystery Inc.
They’re pulling up in the Mystery Machine and—RUH ROH!—it smells loud as hell. They need this more than anyone else; these have to be some of the most stressed out kids of ‘70s cinema. I have an inkling the gang is actually stoned all the time. Shaggy always has the munchies, they come from peak hippie era and Scooby’s middle name is literally Doobie.
Image Courtesy: Diary of a Wimpy Kid Wiki
Rodrick Heffley
This guy definitely knows a spot. Since I’m into a crude-humor crowd, he’ll fit right in. Rodrick will get vulnerable towards the end of the night. Chicken Joe will tell him to tell his mom he loves her. (He does.) He leaves enlightened and maybe with a crush on me (Who said that, what?).
Image Courtesy: Vulture
Phil Dunphy
When wishing upon a shooting star, I simply ask for Phil Dunphy to tell me he’s proud of me. In my dreams, however, he’s smoking with me. If I could keep this man in my pocket at all times, I would. Phil is the ego boost everyone should experience at least once and will give Alex and Rodrick life-changing advice. His aura should set the tone for the good vibes present.
Image Courtesy: Entertainment Weekly
Helen Dubois
She’s like Armond from “The White Lotus” but less weird and Mr. Moseby from “The Suite Life” but less aggravated. Helen would take to Rodrick like how she took to Drake Bell. I already know she’s getting in her indoor jacuzzi after the sesh is done.
Beyond all who have existed fictitiously, there are bound to be some real-life honorable mentions. Though a rotation too large is destined to be impersonal, it would be a true dishonor to not at least give them a mention.
Jennifer Coolidge
This is the foundation of the rotation. The matriarch of the spark. The centerpiece of this sesh.
Mark Cuban
No sharks spark like Mark, honey. You bet your sweet ass I’m talking him into a weed farm business venture. (He’s already the plug on costplusdrugs.com.)
Sal Vulcano
Obviously. There’s nothing impractical about the good company and delightful banter this joker will bring.
Barack Obama
You know Mr. 44 will always offer his water if a coughing fit arises—unless it's past 10:00 p.m., because Michelle will have picked him up already.
Lenny Kravitz
It’s one thing to invent Euphoria eye makeup as Cinna in “The Hunger Games”; it's another to father Zoë Kravitz. And don’t get me started on his Architröpolis-designed 1990s Miami home.
Nathan Fielder
Praying he breaks character once he smokes. If not, he’s demoted to the Nightmare Rotation.
Jordyn Woods
DISCLAIMER: I am not a Tristain Thompson apologist. I simply need this closure. Did Kris Jenner block you on Venmo?
Wendy Williams
She’s dressed as the Statue of Liberty, and you’ve never seen her eyes so small. Jordyn is f****ddd.
Tyler, the Creator
Ugh, I want him to roast me and the blunt simultaneously. Tyler is on aux even if he acts like it's a burden and we pretend his music doesn’t all sound the same.
Miley Cyrus
She can buy herself flowers.
Liv Vitale
Fresh off a shift at Flashbacks, and she’s already sparked up. I’d bet money that our creative director and the former commander-in-chief exchange phone numbers.
Quen Blackwell
A lock. Gen Z, vine-famous, D’Amelio-trusted, Lil-Nas-X-tight with realness.
Ella Chan
Shout out to Strike Magazine Boca, your iconic Orlando porch and your enlightened, sagacious dog, Beeco.
Silk Sonic
I need my short jazz-infused short kings with me. I feel their rizz is contagious.
Mac Miller
He won’t be the star of the conversation, but everything he says will have enough substance to have me come back to Earth. He’s also Sal’s guardian angel in case of emergency. I love you, Mac.
In short, I’m an ambitious girl. Though dreams are denoted as fanciful aspirations, all selected members stem from real needs. If there is a heaven, I hope to see them there. For now, they’ll remain in my dreams.
Strike out,
Writer: Juju Paymayesh
Editor: AJ Bafer
Graphic: Larissa Aguiar
Gainesville
