Hookups & Hedonism: Inside Cancun Spring Break

I have been humbled by the Great Pyramids of Giza. Watched the sunrise over Mt. Fuji. Felt the serenity of riding a gondola through Venice. But if you ask me my favorite vacation, the answer is instantaneous: Cancun spring break.

Cancun spring break is a designer handbag that permanently smells like spilled tequila, a party girl’s personal playground, a daddy’s money hotbed of hookups, hedonism and entertainment.

The First Encounter

I visited Cancun during my senior year of college in March 2022. Of course I beelined for the airport bar to order a Long Island Iced Tea immediately after deplaning. The man next to me appeared to be 23 or 24, donning sunglasses and a pornstache.

“What are your thoughts on this?” he asked me. “I just found a new opening for my first choice resort, so I booked it, but the cancellation for my previous resort didn’t go through. Now I have two hotel rooms!”

I offered the advice of calling again and asking for a refund, and he laughed with the cadence of a children’s movie antagonist—like a CEO bulldozing a forest of animated animals to build a parking lot.

“Actually, I’ll just keep both!” he exclaimed. “I’ll switch whenever I want a change in scenery, one room has an ocean view and one room has a pool view.” Then he downed his shot of whiskey and disappeared.

While I only had one room, I was fortunate enough to stay at the famous all-inclusive Grand Oasis resort. Brimming with sprawling pools and swim up bars, the resort features 14 restaurants, 13 bars, a casino, a picturesque beach and several nightclubs. It’s a nonstop party where men perform push-up contests on a stage, complete with free tequila tastings and general poolside debauchery.

Spring Break Simps

Meal #1: I was midway through a bite of chicken taco when a stranger pulled up his chair to the table of my friend and I.

“Are you two interested in polyamorous relationships?” He asked.

He followed his query with an unsolicited spiel about the benefits of polyamory, and how we should be freed from the monogamous shackles of society. My mind was sputtering from the fact that an hour after checking in to the Grand Oasis I was already being asked for a threesome.

Cancun spring break attracts a certain kind of clientele. In my mind’s eye, I visualize fuckboys across the world booking their Cancun vacations, bragging about all the baddies they will bag. Unfortunately for those fuckboys, every other frat bro had the same idea. Never before have I visited a place with such an imbalanced gender ratio—I genuinely feel like I did not speak to another female throughout the entire vacation.

Ladies rejoice, because you will not have to buy overpriced drinks during Cancun spring break. DJs will invite you behind the booth every night and bottle girls will usher you into VIP sections and onto elevated surfaces. One man whipped out his credit card and offered to pay for my dinner while I was literally blowing my nose into a napkin.

Be warned: possessive men will grab your arm, and catcalling and aggression will occur. But if you’re not afraid to tell creeps to back off and if you stick to the resort and other touristy nightlife areas, nothing about Cancun will feel threatening or unsafe.

I met people from all over the world, surprisingly, more European people than American. I even met a kind “Cancun boyfriend” from England, going on dates with him throughout the resort at sushi restaurants, the beach and different nightclubs. 

Party Girl Paradise

One of the best days was when I booked The Bongo Tour, a bar and club crawl. From the afternoon to 3am, I explored the various clubs of the Cancun strip. The first stop, Beach Party Coco Bongo, featured a wild party in a pool filled with bubbles and foam. I look up, and a parachuter dressed like a character from “The Mask” descends from the sky. 

I loved Coco Bongo itself, a world-famous nightclub where acrobats hang from the ceiling as an incredible party sprawls out around them. I was shocked by the production value and the quality of the performers. As a rave girl, I approved of the use of lights, smoke, balloons and confetti to enhance the experience. It’s not like you’re sitting in a chair watching the entertainers — it’s an amazing clubbing experience with trending music happening alongside performances. 

The party crawl tour included unlimited tequila shots. Be cautious with tequila--as I nursed my hangover the day after Coco Bongo, my friend showed me a video of me dancing poorly in front of the DJ booth — a video that was being projected onto a massive screen in front of the entire club. A club with a capacity of 1,800 people. But whatever. It’s Cancun spring break! 

Other iconic clubs include The City, a fancy multi-story club that also features performers, and Mandala Nightclub, which has hypnotic lights and a fun atmosphere for those who truly love to dance. The decor, music selection and use of multicolored lights bring the clubbing experience in Cancun to a different level.

Cancun clubs shut down at 3 a.m., but the 24K nightclub offers exclusive all-night after-parties with a hefty price tag of $250 per person. My friend and I were thrilled when a completely random man paid for our cover.

Of course, nothing in life is truly free.

After being wined-and-dined with a VIP table, mimosas and various shots he cornered me, his hyper-fast words slurring together from a mixture of alcohol and cocaine.

“I have two yachts and a Bentley, and I spent so much money on you that you’re OBLIGATED to go home with me!” he yelled.

I escaped into the women’s restroom and dodged the rich guy for the rest of the night. The dicey encounter was still worth the benefits, as the insane afterparty featured performers dressed like characters from “The Hangover” and women twerked next to a giant stuffed tiger.

Redemption

For the record, my spring break experience was only 90% blackout wasted sin. For 10% of the time, I educated myself at Chichen Itza, the stunning Mayan temple. I took a bus tour starting at 6 in the morning while battling the most painful hangover of my life. I was so close to asking a stranger for a sip of water just to dull the hammer pounding inside my brain. The temple was worth the trip, and we even stopped at a beautiful natural spring for a swim. Light danced against the sprays of water, crafting rainbows above me as I floated on my back.

While I have had memorable times at Midtown, Cancun showed me how exciting nightlife can be. I felt so happy in Cancun, so sure that life could be boundlessly joyful. I now crave destination party vacations like a drug, although I’m not sure how any vacation can ever be more fun than Cancun.

Cancun spring break is an experience every party-lover should have. Sure, sometimes you will drink so much that you fall asleep in a bathtub for three hours or you will get solicited for a threesome--but that’s all part of the Cancun experience. So go out there, down some tequila shots, and enjoy your youth at Cancun spring break!

Strike out,

Writer: Uma Raja

Editor: Kate Corcoran

Graphic: Rachel Frenchman

Gainesville