Fashion Nightmares for Friday the 13th

Gather round, kids, for we have a tale

that’s guaranteed to make your vogue bones wail.

One of garment disasters — yes, we have dared

to find the biggest mistakes anyone’s decided to wear.

Grab hold of your blankets and your look-books, too,

‘cause your wardrobe will feel haunted when we’re through with you.

From goofy to spooky, divas beware...

Here are the worst fashion nightmares.

Detachable Collars

Before we get too scary, let’s take it to the fifties. Plenty of old looks have been reinvented, like blouses and gingham dresses, and remained cultural icons. No one would dare knock the elegant silk and satin work by it-actresses like Grace Kelly and Marilyn Monroe. Styles like detachable collars, however, are better left with the baby boomers. We can understand giving up looks for comfort now and then, but its overly intricate designs end up leaving the accessory looking cheesier than a cowboy’s bandana. And let’s face it: John Wayne definitely couldn’t pull this one off.

Shrink Tops

Bridging flower children and disco fanatics, shrink tops were truly tragic. Any early ‘70s woman who wished to look like they were starring in “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman'' squeezed their way into these crocheted catastrophes. As far as we’re concerned, they’re some of the only sweaters that could even come close to giving Freddie Kreuger a run for its money in terms of tackiness. If anyone had to choose whether shrink tops or our friend on Elm St. showed up in their dreams, it’s safe to say they’d pick the latter. Not even Tim Burton’s Sally could sew these into a decent aesthetic.

Leg Warmers

Things got eerie by the ‘80s. Just looking at leg warmers can make anyone’s skin crawl, and putting them on can’t feel much better than stepping in cobwebs. They were used by dancers to prevent cramping, but all the warmers in the world couldn’t save those who wore them from a cramped style. By the time they trickled into the mainstream — hidden in teenage girls’ closets like the boogeyman — it wasn’t long before everyone was plagued with “Flashdance” fever. Their alien presence speaks for itself. It’s a wonder how they kept anyone cozy despite looking that chilling.

Clear Plastic

It’s time to bring the unpleasant closer to the present. We’re gonna be completely transparent here — we’re not sure how anyone thought see-through plastic was a good idea in the 2010s, either. Its inevitable resemblance to figures like the Invisible Man or a hazmat-outfitted patient zero somehow isn’t the scariest aspect of the trend. The more you wear equates to the more it looks like a garment bag instead of an actual garment. At best, transparent torso pieces come off as portable shower curtains, and the scream-inducing bath scenes should be left to “Psycho.” Used in an accessory or sandal strap here or there? Sure. Yet brands from Burberry to Chanel have done their best to give the material new life and have failed, as the style has rarely appeared on the runway since SS18. Sometimes a swift death is better.

Low Rise Jeans

Creeping out of the recent past, we saved the lowest of the low for last. Britney Spears, notorious for her excellent decision making, gave this Vogue-vamp permission when it asked to come in. It latched onto the lower halves of helpless Y2Kers like a bloodsucker on a bad kick, holding on as long as it could before the mainstream learned better than to leave themselves so exposed. But brands like Levi’s had no fear. Even better than stakes, garlic or holy water, their high-waisted denim arrived to damn low rise jeans back to whence they came, never to return. Now in a time of accentuated curves and convenience, we need not fear.

Or so we thought.

Whispering in the ears of influencers

like Bella Hadid and Hailey Bieber,

There are hints and posts of low rise

crawling back into the public eye.

More nostalgic people might scoff.

“What’s the big deal? They can be pulled off.”

While we’re at it, let’s fully open up

and let any old style be just as abrupt.

Trends like leg warmers deserve some spotlight, right?

Have fun sleeping tonight.

Strike Out,

Writer: AJ Bafer

Gainesville