Asking for It: We’re Really Not

I grew up chasing after the things I wanted on a farm in Zephyrhills, Florida (yes, where the water is from). Life is different down there. That town taught me how to do everything I wanted before the sun came up, ’cause if you wait for an orange to fall off the tree, it'll likely rot. You have to go after it. I grew up chasing cows, ripe fruit and occasionally, a cute boy from math class. 

This approach seeped into all other aspects of my life. I came from a family of hard workers, of doers. If I wanted something, I went and got it. Those were the rules. I used this strategy for all things in life. I wanted a bike? I did chores on the farm until I had earned it. I wanted an A? I’d study for hours. I wanted a boy? I’d ask.

In middle school, I had discovered the concept of waiting for a guy to come to you, but I didn't understand it. I figured we were all the same, and it was silly to wait for him to notice my fluttering eyelashes when I could just tell him. If I were brave enough to take the initiative, why shouldn’t I? Sometime between third and fourth grade, I decided life would be easier if I were fearless, and I’ve been a raging extrovert ever since. I grew up with endless confidence and no idea that anything could ever go wrong.

It was the last swim meet of my high-school career, after three years of giggling over cute boys in speedos, when I realized this was my last chance to actually speak to one of them. I’d been wanting to ask one of them for their phone number for years. I like to say that flirting is good for my development — something about social skills. 

Previously in my life, being straightforward and assertive served me well, but only after I stepped into the world of romantic experience did I realize that it wouldn’t always work. I’ve always been extremely bold, but that creates a set of assumptions in the mind of the stranger who’s meeting me. In the case of swim meet boy, he had only one notion. Sex. 

As an extremely bold high school senior, I walked up to the most attractive guy at a swim meet 5 minutes before I left and said, "Do you have a girlfriend?” In my mind, I was making it happen. I had no intentions; I was just hoping to add interest to my life by choosing to meet a boy. Who knew what would come of it? I thought we might go on a couple of dates, laugh about my silly intro and end in a dramatic story I could tell my kids one day. When he said no and that he was single, I followed up by asking for his Snapchat and going on my way after a little introduction. 

Within the first 5 minutes of conversation following the initial meeting, he already wanted to make the 3-hour drive to hook up with me. He said he had no desire to be in a relationship but was very interested in having sex. 

My innocent, hopeless romantic heart broke in half, and I was confused about why he felt he could act that way. What did I do to make him think I only wanted a hookup?

After a very short tango of rationalization and a brief exit interview in which he explained that my daring introduction led him to believe I was looking for sex, I breathed with a new understanding. I admitted that my natural assertiveness might not be as compatible with the soulmate search as I believed.

Over the next two years, with a little trial and error in the scope of meeting boys, I’ve realized there is a strong connection between the perception of female aggression and sex. Any forwardness in romantic endeavors is seen as sexual desire, as it is so uncommon for women to feel comfortable leading the affair. This has led to a gap in the opportunity for women to approach men, as they so confidently claim that they want. 

I’ve found that when I pursue a man romantically, he almost never ends up displaying the qualities I’m looking for. Gentle, thoughtful, brave. I now believe this is directly caused by the initial impression I give these potential lovers. It wouldn’t be normal to assume my personality would change drastically from the first meeting to the everyday, but strangely that is true for me. I like to be bold at the start to make my intentions known, and then allow myself to be pursued. 

This will never work.

If I choose to start a connection with a misunderstanding of my intentions, the man I’m with might adjust to match my (untrue) intentions. I’d never find the one I want — because if I do it my way he would never see me. I now believe that there must be some knowledge of the other person for a woman to lead a romantic encounter and have it not be misunderstood as a sexual advancement. If a woman leads the charge based on looks alone, a man naturally (and not wrongly) assumes she wants him for his looks alone. Because of these findings, I’ve had to adjust my approach quite a bit. 

But this doesn’t mean I just sit back and let fate find me. I still like to be in charge. I just do it a little differently now. 

Advice to the girls who wanna take charge: 

Replace flirty with friendly. Trust me.

Advice to the boys who want to be approached: 

Next time a girl asks for your number, and you think she’s “asking for it,” remember, we’re really not. 

Strike out,

Writer: Rachel Mish

Editor: Denisa Fluturas

Gainesville

Rachel Mish is a writer for Strike Magazine Gainesville, formal advocator for Die Hard as a Christmas movie, and collector of glass bottles she claims she will use as vases (and doesn’t). She can be found sweating on a Student Rec basketball court or using the last of her meal swipes at Broward Tent. Forward all inquiries to Rachel._.mish on Instagram, or Rachel.mish@yahoo.com (email).