A Guide to attachment styles

Image Courtesy: Strike Magazine Chattanooga

The theory of attachment styles tries to explain how treatment early in childhood translates to the relationships we form and how we approach relationships in adulthood. This can be friendship or romantic endeavors, and this theory was created by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. There are four types of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. It is important to acknowledge the attachment style of someone you care about because it is only when you understand them that you can love them properly. Let’s break it down. 

Secure 

Secure attachment styles originate from feeling cared for and safe by your caregivers early on in childhood. If someone has a secure attachment style, they most likely had consistency, stability, and were overall properly cared for as a kid. They view their caregivers as a safe place. 

This allows them to form secure, loving relationships with others as adults. They are able to trust others easily and can accept and give love without significant doubt. They are also able to assert boundaries and have boundaries asserted onto them without feeling negatively. Overall, a secure attachment style is the healthiest. 

You can love someone with a secure attachment style easily by simply being a decent human being, and even if you’re not, they most likely will leave negative relationships or work towards fixing them in a healthy manner. 

Anxious

Anxious attachment styles come from inconsistencies in childhood. One day a caregiver may be nurturing and caring and the next day they may be distant or cruel; these inconsistencies build distrust within the child. They start to view their caregiver as unreliable while also becoming fearful of this unreliableness because the caregiver is supposed to be the one taking care of them. So, they hang on to them in desperation of wanting to be cared for while also not trusting them. 

These turbulent relationships translate to insecure relationships as the children

grow up. This can look like worrying that your partner is going to leave you with no explanation or excessive anxiety that your partner does not care about you despite their words or actions. This attachment style is also linked to clingy behavior that is rooted in insecurity.

You can love someone with an anxious attachment style by reassuring them as often as possible with words or actions that they are wanted and safe. While they should also be actively working to heal from their trauma, you should also be consistent with your actions so as to not add to their anxiety. Openly communicating with people with an anxious attachment style is also important because they may worry that you are holding back. 

Avoidant 

Avoidant attachment stems from emotionally unavailable caregivers. These caregivers may be physically present in their children's lives, but they are insensitive to their needs. They discourage displays of emotion and promote high levels of independence at a young age which instills in the child a mentality that they do not need anyone. While also stunting them from being able to trust or rely on others. 

As an adult, an avoidant attachment may look like feeling trapped when in relationships, not being able to trust others, hyper independence, and keeping mental distance from your partners and friends about how someone with an avoidant attachment style is feeling. They have many walls built up because they have never had the chance to be honest about their emotions. 

Loving someone with an avoidant attachment style is not for the weak. They will push and fight to keep anyone from getting too close to them, and while they should be trying to heal from this trauma, you can still love them by being honest and emotionally open. Sharing your feelings and thoughts with them will soothe their mind, and they may slowly but surely start to trust you. Consistency is also important because, in order for them to open up, they must view you as reliable.

Disorganized 

This style is also called fearful-avoidant attachment, and it comes from forms of abuse. A caregiver is the source of the fear but also the source of safety which can emotionally damage and confuse a child. This can look like the child being hit by someone and then that person apologizing and soothing the child. This causes the child to associate that person with fear and safety, and they may detach from reality. 

As an adult, this may look like someone staying in abusive relationships because they crave to feel loved while also being terrified of it. It can also look like someone manipulating situations to get others to love them while being completely detached from them in order to feel cared for while also being too scared to be open in fear of abuse. This attachment style has yet to be researched in depth because of the numerous factors that can go into how it forms and how it is presented. 

Loving someone with this style can be extremely difficult because they may be lovely one day and cold and hateful the next. As always, they should be trying to work through their trauma, but if you want to love them, be patient. Try to be as understanding as possible about why they act a certain way and try to understand that what they say may not be how they feel. They may be projecting or lying to try to protect themselves because it is all they have ever known. Being persistent and caring while also knowing your boundaries and worth is crucial here. 

All in all, no matter the attachment style, everyone wants to feel safe and loved. As humans, we have years to form relationships and human connection is by far the most rewarding feeling. To be trusted with the inner workings of someone else’s mind is both beautiful and terrifying but learning how to love is never a mistake and it is always worth it. 

Strike Out,

Writer: Kushi Zaver

Editor: Jane Dodge

Graphic Designer: Marley Hillman

Chattanooga

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