A Comprehensive Guide to Making Valentine’s Day Your Bitch

If you click on this article, it can only mean one thing: It’s three days before Valentine’s Day and you have no plans. Maybe you don’t have a date. Perhaps you’ve managed to find a date, but you don’t know where to take the date on the date. You might even be single and would like to have a nice day without having relationships shoved down your throat.

Whoever you are, I’ve got you covered.

As an aficionado of love, sex and Gainesville, Florida, I have more ways to celebrate the holiday of love than I know what to do with.

If you’re in a new relationship

Aw, young love! In a new relationship, you want to show off your romantic prowess, get to know each other better and craft the perfect opportunity to smooch. There’s nowhere better to do this than the Ocala Drive-In theater! You can spend the ride there chatting and listening to each other's niche playlists.

By the time you arrive, you’ll have set the mood with good conversation, inside jokes and maybe even a new favorite song. Then, you can cozy up in the car, share snacks and enjoy the romance of an old-school drive-in — just the two of you (wink wink).

If you’re in an old relationship

If you’ve been together for years and you’ve done everything in town, V-Day is a great excuse for a little adventure. Just a 30-minute drive away, Amber Brooke Farms in Williston offers the perfect romantic escape: strawberry picking in the sunshine. Spend the afternoon wandering through lush fields, plucking the ripest, juiciest berries straight from the vine and feeding each other bites as you go.

On your way out, gather a bouquet of sunset-colored zinnias, grab a bottle of their delicious strawberry wine and head home with your spoils.

Then, get a little tipsy together while dipping your hand-picked berries in melted chocolate. Truly, it doesn’t get better than that.

You hate your S/O

Hey, I’m not here to judge. If you hate your significant other, I would suggest bowling so that you constantly avoid each other when you get up to take your turn. Throw that ball, then sit down and take a nice long look at your partner's badonkadonk while they throw their ball. Then, repeat.

If you’re long distance and visiting each other

As someone currently in an LDR, I’ve learned that you should consider doing something special while planning for a bit of chill time at home — to maintain a sense of normalcy.

Last year, my boyfriend cooked me a lovely dinner. He bought flowers, put a sheet over his desk that we used as a table and put a crackling fire with fancy music on the TV. It was perfect. I highly recommend fancy cooking at home.

However, V-Day is a special occasion, and you also deserve to do an activity out on the town. Some of my favorite local spots are Swamp Axe Throwing and Bragging Rights Arcade. These activities are perfect for a little bit of competitive fun, where you can admire your partner's skills (or lack thereof) and celebrate every victory with a kiss.

If you are broke as hell

So you want to make Valentine’s special, but you don’t have money to blow. Gainesville is the perfect place to be broke. It’s designed to give students cheap activities to do. If you want to treat your date to a lovely meal, skip the expensive dinner and go for breakfast. My personal favorite spot is Bagel Bakery, where you can get the best bagel of your life for under $5 and most any specialty meal and drink for under $10. I’m not only hyping it up because it’s cheap, Bagel Bakery is fully my favorite spot to eat in town.

Then, go out to Sweetwater Wetlands Park! Entry is completely free and you can take a romantic stroll through the prairie and try to spot the alligators. Another fun activity is to buy a loaf of bread and cuddle up on a bench to feed the ducks at North Florida Hospital’s duck pond.

And as far as gifts go, obviously, know your partner. But it’s hard to go wrong with Trader Joe's flowers or candies

All that puts your total at about $30 for a meal, a romantic activity and gifts!

If you’re having a femininomenon

If you’re a woman dating a woman, you might already be getting plenty of pussy. But if you want some more, take your girl out to the Feeline Good Cat Cafe! Cuddling with cats and sipping specialty coffee are two activities guaranteed to put a smile on her face.

If you both don’t have cars

I wholeheartedly believe you can have a wonderful holiday and never leave campus. Step into the Butterfly Museum and enjoy the hundreds of wings fluttering around you.

Spend the afternoon pointing out which butterfly reminds you of your love and why. Then sneak candid photos when you catch a butterfly landing on them. Better yet, this whole experience is free for UF students.

If you’re craving a bite to eat, grab whatever floats your boat and go have an evening picnic at Lake Alice. Watch the sun set, the gators swim and the bats fly by.

If you want something sexy and classic

Check out Superette. Superette is the perfect spot to get dressed up in your loveliest outfit, sip on a sweet glass of wine and enjoy an overpriced charcuterie board. The outdoor area is full of fairy lights and will put anyone in a romantic mood. It makes you feel fancy and sexy just to be there.

If you’re in a situationship/casual dating

Well, when I hear situationship, I think of lots of late nights and smooching. So if you choose to spend Valentine’s together, go grab a drink and snack at Baby J’s.

Baby J’s is nicer than your typical Gainesville bar. It’s got great music and actual tables to sit at, but it isn’t as nice as a fancy restaurant. It’s the perfect middle ground for a relationship that isn’t just friends with benefits but also isn’t official. So take your whatever y’all are and let the smooth jazz and amorous ambiance set the mood for the night to come.

If you are outdoorsy

Silver Springs is your spot. There are a million wonderful lakes and springs not far from Gainesville, but it’s manatee season at Silver Springs. So, if you want to be the coolest person in the world, go rent a glass bottom canoe for your lover and watch as manatees, gators and otters glide by right under your feet. It also happens to be manatee mating season, so be aware that the sea cows will be celebrating Valentine’s Day as well.

If you are celebrating Galentines

GAAAALENTINES! Let's go baby, it doesn’t get better than this! Obviously, the best Galentines plan is a classic middle school-style sleepover. However, since this list is Gainesville-centric, I highly recommend getting a room at Stage 7 Karaoke. You can belt Sabrina Carpenter, down fruity drinks and not have to worry about watching couples getting handsy for the holiday.

If you’re flying solo and you are cool with it

Go to Main Street and play some pool! With lively energy, good music and plenty of people looking for a game, it’s the ideal spot for a fun, low-pressure night out. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find a flirty challenger by the end of the night.

If you’re flying solo and you are not happy about it

For a fun local adventure where you aren’t likely to be berated by couples, the SF Zoo is a wonderful spot to check out. Not many UF students know about it, but this incredibly ethical and affordable teaching zoo is 15 minutes away. Plus, watching the gibbons whoop to one another and swing from tree to tree could keep you occupied all day.

What am I doing?

If you are my boyfriend, now is your cue to stop reading. For Valentine’s Day this year, I booked a couples tour of Carson Springs Wildlife Center. The tour advertised ‘delicious champagne,’ but between you and me, I am excited to watch the warthog race. What could be more romantic?

I hope y’all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day! I know I will. If you happen to go on one of these dates, DM me a pic @gingerr_and_spice, it would make my whole day!

Strike Out,

Writer: Ginger Koehler

Editor: Naina Chauhan

Ginger Koehler, otherwise locally known as "the sex girl", is everyone's favorite sex and relationship educator and columnist, or at least that's what she likes to think. She is a certified yapper and not-so-certified rapper, and if you ask her to freestyle you will find out why. If you'd like to reach out, direct all questions and guacamole recipes to her Instagram @gingerkoehler52, or email gingerkoehler52@gmail.com - we made her promise not to rap back.