Why the World Didn't End at 13

Written By Strike Magazine UGA

“Life is hard. I’m only in 7th-grade! Everything shouldn’t be this hard. Why? Is it because I’m being a drama queen and making it hard? I don’t know! I want to be simple. Every second I’m alive I’m confused about how I feel. I feel like I’m not myself.”

While this might seem like words off of a script from a show on the CW, they were in fact written by me. At 12 years old. Going through middle school. Clearly facing a moral dilemma I had no idea how to solve.

Journaling has always been a staple in my life. My now complex, daily entries to help plan my schedule and write through my emotions began as smaller diary entries written in rainbow felt tip pens in my miniature, monogrammed diary. From the ages 11 to 14, my entire middle school life was documented into that notebook, covering everything from friendships, crushes and school to the inevitable confusion of self most pre-teens feel in those formative years. 

Image Courtesy: Ann Harper Covington

Before digging through my childhood storage boxes to find this diary and reading my entries for the first time in years, I was anticipating seeing cute stories about my old friendships and feeling sentimental. I was caught by surprise by the many laughable issues I was convinced were going to end my entire world. Especially about boys.


Other entries took me right back into my childhood room, sitting on my unmade twin bed, crying over the words I was writing. These pages make me want to run straight over to my younger self, wrap her in a hug, and tell her that everything is going to be okay. She is going to be okay.  


The stories that struck me the most weren’t the fights with friends I don’t even remember having or the boys I wrote about for a week, which I forgot I even had a crush on.  The pages detailing how I felt about myself and measured my own worth were the ones that left the lasting impression on me. While it’s obvious that most of my issues at this age were trivial and silly, I was surprised to find that even at 11 years old, I was going through emotions that I still deal with today.

Reading this diary made me want more than anything to be able to go back and give my younger self the sisterly wisdom I’ve learned through the years, which she desperately needs to hear. After all, who better to give advice than your older self?

“I really like him! He doesn’t like me, though, and sometimes, I go through really sad times where I cry and listen to sad music on repeat.”

This won’t change. If you like him and he doesn’t like you back, you will still probably cry and listen to sad music on repeat. Better to start learning early.

“He asked me to dance! I said no the first time, but cried and apologized. Then, he asked me to dance again and it was great!”

Sometimes, giving a guy a second chance is a smart choice to make, but not always. It’s wonderful to be a forgiving person, but never let someone back in who has hurt you if they think they can hurt you again, and you will keep forgiving.  Your forgiveness should be earned, not an expectation.

“I’ve wanted to be a lot of different things in my life. I’ve wanted to be crazy, weird, cool, nice, loved. Out of all of those, and more, what do I want the most right now? I don’t know. I don’t know who I am or what my real interests are, I feel like I don’t know me. It’s scary not knowing yourself.”

Not knowing who you are or having a sense of direction is one of the most isolating issues that I still deal with. At 12 years old, though, it is so normal to feel like this! You are going through one of the most transformative times of your life, moving away from your parents towards your friends and their interests, all while trying to create an identity for yourself that reflects who you are. It is so common to feel this way, no matter how scary it is. I still have to remind myself that, even at 20, not knowing exactly what I want to do with my life or where I want to go is okay!

“Well, about a month later, she comes up to me and tells me that he likes me. I didn’t necessarily believe it.  I did though have a small part of me that said, ‘Wow, someone can like me.’ It made me feel amazing. So, a few weeks later, I went up to her and told her I didn’t believe it. She told me she was kidding. When she told me that, my heart sank. That special feeling is gone.”


There’s always going to be a part of you that feels incredibly special when someone likes you as more than a friend, even if you don’t return their affection. It’s so dangerous to fool yourself into thinking that a boy liking you is all that makes you special, though. All of your most wonderful qualities come from inside of you, and no boy can give those or take them away. 

“I’m still confused. Shouldn’t it have gotten easier? Shouldn’t I be more mature, smarter, skinnier, prettier? No. I guess I can’t have everything.”

Not liking everything about yourself is one of the harder parts about growing up, and sometimes feeling like you aren’t enough, or should be better at other things, can be a piece of that.  Maturity comes with experiences, not years. Intelligence is not just measured through academics and school. Weight has nothing to do with who you are or your worth. Looks are not everything and do not even come close to measuring the beauty within. Having the confidence and self-love that will help you live your happiest life can even help create the illusion of “having everything.”

One of my favorite things about being a woman is the protective nature I feel over my adolescent self. I sometimes forget when reading these diary pages that these were my feelings, my stories and my words. There are times now when things happen that make me feel like my life is over and I will never recover. But then again, if the world didn’t end for me at 13, there is no way it is going to end at 20.

Image Courtesy: Ann Harper Covington

Strike Out,

Ann Harper Covington

Editor: Caroline Kostuch

Athens

Strike Magazine UGA
Previous

Big Juicy Figs
Next

Musical Theatre vs. Movies: Why Mean Girls is Receiving Backlash