The Verdict Is In: Unapologetically Judging Your Toxic Traits

Nobody is perfect. Well, nobody is perfect except for Dolly Parton, Jesse from “Pitch Perfect” and Ina Garten. If you are reading this, odds are you are either trying to be cool by swiping through Strike Magazine GNV or you have a couple of bad habits you need to kick. Your conception of these vices could differ from your friends’ first thoughts about your toxic traits. Though they might be too kind to share their true thoughts, I couldn’t give a fuck. From someone who is always right, read along to get a bench trial verdict on your toxic traits and what they say about you. And unlike most court proceedings, I didn’t say shit about this being impartial…

1. You never answer your texts

See also: You put periods at the end of every text (this actually makes you a freak). As a recovering asshole, I know this isn’t personal. But either way, you have a chemical imbalance, and this one is actually 100% fixable. Just do better! Get a planner. If your day is so overwhelming that the mere idea of responding to a text sounds daunting, maybe it's time to hire a personal assistant. Or better yet, invest in a custom agenda from Papier. (I have this one, and it’s so cute.) Maybe meditate, untense your shoulders and ask yourself what is stressing you out to make you reach this point. All I asked you was what you were wearing tonight, not to submit a dissertation.

2. Your room is always a mess

Hello, Miss Busy! It is not your fault that you are always living on the go. In fact, I commend you for being so selfless that you are willing to devote all of your time to being productive and the well-being of others. You probably travel a lot and are a hustler and bustler. You are likely going to go very far. You hop out of bed and are so ready for the day that you don’t even mind that your comforter is between your bed and your wall — and I love that about you. Clean clothes and outfit rejects all over your floor? Okay, messy-chic!

3. You are always running late

You should not be allowed to have pets and/or children. The world does not revolve around you; you are not Kronos, the Titan of Time. I would never endorse getting an Apple watch, but I would approve, once again, of getting a planner (seriously, it saved my life). Five minutes late is not “basically” on time. Your car probably has scratches all over it, and you might have a tendency to forget to post birthday shout outs for your friends.

4. You always tell white lies

Wait stopppp, I love you. It is not your fault you were born with a storyteller’s soul! You keep it totally harmless, too. The Supergoop sunscreen made someone’s skin break out? Your Aunt Mary had the same experience (your parents have no sisters). You are actually probably very compassionate and want people to feel like they aren’t alone. Or better yet, you are so caring that you just want to add some spice to people’s lives. You fear the mundane and don’t want your loved ones to live in it! You are awesome (and you are also probably really hot).

Image Courtesy: Juliette Paymayesh trust me this is what Google said though

5. You are a finance major

Okay, seriously, what is wrong with you? Either grow up and move onto accounting, or keep this a secret forever. You probably sit on a high horse because you think you are better than business and advertising majors, but just remember that Martin Scorsese blames himself every day for the consequences of directing “The Wolf of Wall Street” because of little pricks like you. Do you tell your mom you love her enough? It couldn’t hurt to tell her right now.

6. You are a pushover

Hiiiiiii let’s be friends. Once again you are a generous humanitarian, and you will do anything to make other people happy. People say you have no backbone but in reality, you will bend over backward for some play time. It’s not about having no boundaries; it’s about having no limits! Let’s go out tonight.

7. You’re a complainer

You are the reason the world is a dark place. You probably hate Thanksgiving. Your mother, bless her heart, loved you a little too much, and now we all have to pay the price. Did you know that when the Neanderthals roamed the Earth, they never complained about being too cold? Or about spending too much money? Or about how much homework they had? Trust me, I know this for a fact. They sucked it up because they didn’t want to bring their friends down; Charles Darwin would be pissed that you tainted our strong evolutionary traits. I would tell you to look on the bright side, but I just felt you roll your eyes at me. Please just watch a comedy or have a near-death experience and realize that you need to chill.

8. You sleep in every day

You are in tune with your body and listen to yourself very well. You are very cool, you have great posture and you are easy to be around. You are a night owl; let’s just say there is a reason owls are associated with wisdom. You are very mature and probably see through your third eye every day. You know that nothing interesting happens before 11 a.m. other than dog walking and DMV appointments.

Strike out,

Writer: Juju Paymayesh

Editor: Denisa Fluturas

Graphic: Anabel Dent

Gainesville

Known only by the government and her older sister as Juliette, Juju Paymayesh is a writer for Strike Magazine Gainesville. Most of her time is spent rewatching Men in Black lll (the greatest film of our time), obsessing over all shades of the color blue or living in fear of what her Spotify Wrapped playlist may look like this coming December. Forward all inquiries and memes to @JujuPaymay and all Venmos to @JujuPayMe.

The Verdict Is In: Unapologetically Judging Your Toxic Traits

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