The Stupid F★cking Hierarchy of Gayness
Image Courtesy: Instagram
“So, be unapologetically you. And know that you never have to prove your identity or your queerness to anyone, including yourself. ”
On a scale of 1 to gay, how queer are you?
That seems to be the unspoken question these days, if only asked via the judgmental sizing-up of the straight-looking femmes flirting across the bar, or with a jaded swipe left of a less-than-up-to-gay-snuff Bumble profile. But, regardless of the method, the message is clear: you may be queer, but are you queer enough?
The truth is, there’s no such thing. But I know as well as the next insecure queer that, whether or not anyone has ever told you you’re not “gay enough”, it’s very easy to make yourself feel like you aren’t.
It’s called queer imposter syndrome, and it’s a bit of a mind fuck.
I mean, the literal definition of queer is to be different, or outside the norm. That’s supposed to be the whole point of the LGBTQIA+ community: to embrace our differences and celebrate them with pride.
But, for some reason, we’ve been led to believe that there’s a certain correct way to be queer, or that certain forms of queerness are more queer than others; and even though that idea in itself is ludicrous, it doesn’t mean it’s an easy thing to dismiss.
There still exists this stupid fucking hierarchy of gayness.
Take, for example, the way many people look at bisexuality: at best, it’s seen as a few degrees less queer than being either gay or lesbian, and at worst it’s viewed as a phase of confusion, a stepping stone to a real sexuality. And god forbid a bisexual queer ends up in a straight-passing relationship: well, then they’re just not queer at all.
Image Courtesy: Instagram
Or what about the high femmes? They present in ultra-feminine ways, ways that are not typically associated with queerness due to the many stereotypes surrounding queer women, particularly lesbians, who are characterized by a more traditionally masculine style. And so, femmes are often overlooked, and so too is their queerness.
Not feeling queer enough can also come down to a lack of experience, or having only experienced heteronormative relationships. The whole “gold star lesbian” thing has even made it so some queers, particularly women who identify as lesbian, judge their own past; and if it involves a gender they aren’t attracted to now, particularly men, they sometimes feel it makes them less queer. And that’s so not the case.
And what’s a real shame is that a lot of these ways of thinking have originated from within the queer community. It’s gold star lesbians refusing to date baby gays just because they’ve never been with a woman, and it’s gay men telling bi guys they’re really just gay, and it’s butches telling femmes they’ll never really understand queerness. It’s infighting and judgment and bullying within a community that’s supposed to rally together against those things.
Fortunately, most queer folks are more open-minded than that, and don’t tend to hold tight and fast to views like these. They think, as I do, that you shouldn’t feel pigeonholed when it comes to self-expression and sexuality. You shouldn’t feel the need to conform to some standard in order to feel accepted or up to par. You should feel free to do whatever it is that feels genuine and authentic for you as an individual.
Image Courtesy: Instagram
And I think the community as a whole is constantly moving toward this sentiment: that everyone is their own individual. We’re slowly moving away from the black and white, one way or the other single-mindedness, and slowly becoming more open to the idea of people not being able to be so easily defined or fit into a neat little box.
Because, at the end of the day, humanity and queerness alike are limitless, vibrant arrays of possibilities. So each person should feel free to manifest their personality in whatever ways feel good to them, especially if it’s outside the norm. Cause that’s the shit we celebrate, right? That’s what pride is all about: individuality, freedom, uniqueness…being unapologetically you.
So, be unapologetically you. And know that you never have to prove your identity or your queerness to anyone, including yourself. You don’t have to have a certain track record, dress a certain way, or perform your sexuality in a certain way to be doing queer the right way. Because there is no right way.
It’s all just queer. And it’s beautiful, bitch.
Strike Out,
Olivia Shea Garvey
Saint Augustine
