It’s Not You, It’s Me

There’s a reason why women often bring a friend along to shop. It’s not flippancy, complacency or a lack of personal opinion. It’s a trust in our fellow women to protect our interests and to have good taste.

We carry this counsel with us from fashion to interior design to … men.

Women have been looking for good men since the dawn of time. Often, we talk about looking for men more than we spend actively pursuing them.

The dream? Not having to look.

A few years ago, I was at the mall with my then boyfriend when I got a call. I asked him to go into a store without me, saying I would catch up. Watching casually, I saw the cashier greet him without lifting her gaze. A few minutes later, at the conclusion of my call, I entered as well — meeting him with a hug. Almost immediately, that same cashier found herself staring at my boyfriend. He was the exact same as before, only now accompanied by a woman.

I began to notice this happen more and more. I asked him to be more aware and to note how women treated him when he was alone. I examined their reactions when we were together. We combined our findings and realized: Men get more attention with a woman by their side.

Since then, I came up with a theory I call the Female Referral System. Similar to a job reference, where a person provides a contact to vouch for them, it operates with respect for one’s opinion. Here, the system rests on a woman trusting another woman’s opinion of a man. On believing him to be a good partner, even without the context necessary to determine that. Why? Because the girlfriend thinks so.

Women think other women have good taste. In this way, they are a man’s special factor; they are the reason other girls are interested in him. Regardless of the man’s personal details, including looks, body language and his actions, a woman will subconsciously be more attracted to an accompanied man than him on his own. This has to do with the innate trust those of the female gender have in each other, meaning that it is assumed that a choice of man was made with adequate reasoning.

A woman will assume that any woman, even and especially those she doesn’t know, will have already done the work to get to know this man. Women are tired of doing the work. They'd rather have a man who's already been vetted and proven himself. The only problem is ... he's not single.

Now, this system seems perfectly harmless. It’s a way for women to believe good men are still out there, even if it is nothing more than a facade. That is, unless it gets to men’s heads. And if we know anything about men, it will.

Usually, this subconscious and truly irrational vetting process doesn’t, and importantly shouldn’t, lead to any relationships. The object of these women’s desires is a stranger. And unavailable. Unfortunately, the newfound attention this stranger receives sometimes leads to the eventual breakdown of the same relationship that earned him the spotlight. Some men will become so excited at their perceived increased societal value that they will begin to search for a partner of (once again, perceived) higher status. Most of the time, this doesn’t end up working out.

The status increase they are so excited about? It leaves as soon as the woman does.

In reality, if men garner attention by being desired by one woman, it becomes an all or nothing system. Either a man has a girlfriend and every woman wishes it were her, or no one looks his way at all.

Before all you men go around convinced you’re a male model, consider the theory: It’s not you, it’s her.

Strike out,

Writer: Rachel Mish

Editor: Naina Chauhan

Rachel Mish is a writer for Strike Magazine Gainesville, formal advocator for Die Hard as a Christmas movie, and collector of glass bottles she claims she will use as vases (and doesn’t). She can be found sweating on a Student Rec basketball court or using the last of her meal swipes at Broward Tent. Forward all inquiries to Rachel._.mish on Instagram, or Rachel.mish@yahoo.com (email).

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