The amount of thoughts that run through my head

Graphic Designer: Matt Grossman

I have 1 parent who tells me that my 2 eyes and my 2 arms and my 2 legs are beautiful, and then says that I should be at most 120 pounds.

I have 1 TikTok account, on which I watch at least 50 TikToks a day, 20 of which are about body positivity. But then the other 30 show girls who are 5’10” with waists that are 24 inches with perfect 30C boobs, who act like they eat 3 full meals but really eat 2.

I have 5 roommates who I also consider 5 good friends, who support me unconditionally. They all say the same 1 thing when something goes wrong: Everything will be fine. But they’re the same ones that I see staying at the library until 2AM or going through 4 interviews per 1 week, living off of 5 hours of sleep. 

I have 1 parent who tells me that the average lifespan is only around 70 years old, so I should spend those 70 years pursuing something that I’m passionate about. Then he gets angry at me when I only make $19.00 per hour.

I have 1 older brother who tells me not to take everything so seriously because everyone is just 1 person out of 7.8 billion in a galaxy with 100 thousand million stars. But then he has 3 mental breakdowns per 1 week because he’s studying at a university ranked 17th in the nation.

I have 50 classmates who say the same 3 things:

1. I have 0 clue what I’m doing in this class

2. I’m literally going to fail this exam because I only studied for 15 minutes

3. I only need a 54% to pass

But they’re the same ones who have already completed 3 separate internships with an average wage of $35.00 per hour, who are going to graduate with 1 job lined up that pays a $100,000 salary at minimum, who are going to be set for the next 50 years.

I’ve had 6 teachers in my life who embodied 1 phrase, made up of 10 letters: be yourself. Then why do they favor the 27/30 = 90% of “normal” students and neglect the 3/30 = 10% who are considered weird? 

If what my teachers said holds true… if there are 7.8 billion people in the world, and each 1 is supposed to be unique, individual, and special, why am I a girl who hates her 5’8”, 140 pound frame with a 3.86 GPA that should be a 4.00, with only 1 hour in a day when I should have 24? 

I have been alive for 20 years. I've been an adult for 2. I often feel 1 emotion: confusion. Why am I told to have 100 certain thoughts but often think another 100 that are quite the opposite? Why are there 7.8 billion people in the world, but they all want the same 1 thing? Why do I trust people who then turn around and stab 7 knives in my back?

If this is my life for the next 50 years, I do not want it.

Strike Out,

Author: Brook Wang

Graphic Designer: Matt Grossman

St. Louis