Penny Loafers and Plaid

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood. My family, friends, and dreams that I’ve had for as long as I can remember. The girl who consumed musicals like water and read books as if her life depended on it. Would it be her life’s calling to pursue it? I still don’t know the answer. The girl I was then lives in my memory. Even now, I can feel her presence if I go up the stairs and shift through some cabinets. I’ve been trying to let her go as my years of youth pass me by. It hurts to even picture her sometimes because I know those circumstances will never happen again, back when I had an untainted view of the world. She wore pigtails, a bright smile, and chubby cheeks. She stepped fearlessly and convinced her friends to dance with her because it was fun. She scuffed her penny loafers and loathed her plaid skirt. But she looked adorable. This is how I will always see her.

As I move into adulthood, it feels like the unfiltered me from years ago cannot accompany me on this journey. Why would the childhood version of me play a role in my decisions today? Her dreams must have been far-fetched and unrealistic. She didn’t know any better. I’ll try to convince myself of this – but as I sit with these statements, I am more determined than ever to make her dreams come true. Fooling myself is a disservice because they are still my dreams. I may not have gotten my letter from Hogwarts, but what happened to believing in seemingly impossible things? Alice In Wonderland taught me to think of and believe in six impossible things before breakfast. I think more of us should do this. And if me believing my Hogwarts letter is lost in the mail is too much for you, then so be it!

Honestly, how many of us wish we still pursued and carried what we loved as a child into adulthood? Some may say no, but I don’t believe that’s a one hundred percent truthful answer. Things resonate with us for a reason. If I wasn’t meant to be pursuing certain things or connecting with specific people, I would not feel called to them. I don’t believe in coincidences. At least, this is the conclusion I’ve come to and decided it is a fact. Maybe I’m royally incorrect, but I’ve always been happier following my instincts. Unfortunately, as I’ve grown up, the need to be doing the right thing has evolved like a fungus.

As kids, we’re so sure of what we want. Any idea I could muster up was absolutely possible. Now, I feel more muddied than I care to admit. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do next. Why can’t I step fearlessly in any direction? Fear and hesitation crawl up behind me, readying their claws.

I just want to go back. Do it all again. I crave the preciousness of girlhood. Playing Squinkies with Jackie, fighting monsters with Leila, and becoming two peas in a pod with Julia. Our main concern was what scenario to play dress up in next and how to study for that random quiz. It’s funny how growing up seems to unlock the world. We suddenly have liberation at our fingertips and keys to unlock any pathway, yet being in that uniform with my friends cultivated a freedom I’ve yet to find again.

What makes me even sadder is that there’s a last time for everything. Becoming conscious of that is one of my least favorite parts about being an adult. I can’t even remember the last time my brother and I made an iMovie and played Wizard101. Or the last time my dad carried me to bed because I fell asleep as he watched basketball. Or the last time my mom did my hair for dance and prepped my costumes. And especially the last time I put that uniform on. An indescribable nostalgia washes over me. Why should I let it all go? These experiences fundamentally shaped who I’ve become, whether I like it or not.

I find myself reaching for the door Little Me is behind. Because you know what, if Little Me didn’t resonate with something, would the Present Me? Probably not…

I realize I need her. Little Me shouldn’t be locked away – disregarded as society sweeps me away into the abyss of expectations and standards. We’re so quick to judge, quick to forget, and quick to dismantle who we are for society’s sake. I cannot leave her behind. Because she is me.

And I am her. If I close my eyes, I still wear that plaid skirt and penny loafers, and I can take on the world.

I open the door, and Little Me dances happily, taking my hand. I smile as I realize she never left. She was just waiting for an invitation back. I feel complete again. Together, we walk off, embracing the girl we’ve always been.

Here’s a list of things I loved as a kid and will forever love:

Harry Potter

Silly Bandz

The song “Barking at the Moon” by Jenny Lewis

Stuffed animals

Chocolate ice cream

Peace sign t-shirts

Scooby-Doo

Pixie Hollow and Club Penguin

Playing pretend

Dancing

Naturally, we change, and the world changes beside us. Evolution is constant and unavoidable. But… there is something precious about being a kid that I believe should always stay close to us. Growing up shouldn't take away our imagination, idea of play, or fearlessness to chase our dreams. We all still have Little Me’s inside. Say hi to them every once in a while.

Strike Out,

Writer: Dani Hernandez

Editor: Isabel Wilder

Tallahassee

Fandom Editors: Unsung Heroes

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