On Making Friends Post-Grad
Image Courtesy: Instagram
I feel like every time I consult Reddit about something I’m left even more confused, like I just got done speaking with an unlicensed therapist. Trying to seek advice about making friends after college is one of those unanswered questions I’m still never satisfied with, no matter how many threads assure me I’ll be okay and should just download Bumble BFF or join a pilates class. That kind of advice feels better left to the extroverts. Maybe it’s easy for them to just strike up a conversation at the bar, but for me, making friends after graduation seems like my most daunting, desperate endeavor yet. I’ve never done this outside the context of academia. I don’t know how to bond with strangers unless it’s surrounded by our mutual dislike of statistics or P.E. (if I’ve learned anything, nothing connects people more than a bad teacher) so I continue to flounder, being pulled to the surface of Post Grad Life like a hooked fish, stubbornly fighting against the line and the reality of loneliness that’s inevitable if I don’t figure my shit out quick.
Most of the tips you hear are the same– to keep visiting the smoothie place next to your apartment, to get to know your co-workers, to join a book club. And while I really am optimistic about that kind of stuff, it’s advice that has an underlying message that there is a difference between your friends and the friends you make as an adult; that one is characterized by genuine connection and the other by maturity.
Rhaina Cohen articulates this feeling in her article, “What Adults Forget About Friendship”, highlighting how our childhood friendships are often characterized by ample, free flowing time and imaginative play, a trait that fades as we get older into dinners with clear start and end times. Though these outings can be special, Cohen warns us of predictability, saying: “...squeezing hangouts into short, infrequent slots [as an adult] is unlikely to feel fulfilling. If you haven’t seen each other in a while, focusing on catching up is natural. Ticking through life’s headlines, however, can feel like exchanging memos, whereas joint adventures create memories–the foundation of close friendship. As the sociologist Eric Klinenberg told The Atlantic, ‘You tend to enrich your social life when you stop and linger and waste time.’”
Image Courtesy: Instagram
I don’t think I’ll stop being nervous about this until I know what it’s like for myself, but maybe the key is to accept the unpredictable. Like being young and not having a clue how you’ll spend the afternoon with your best friend, I want to say yes to the random themed dinner parties, the Dungeon and Dragons campaigns or invites to some hole-in-the-wall concert across town. Even though we’re older, it doesn’t mean we have to be less creative in how we create memories with other people (and it also doesn’t mean that the pilates classes and book clubs aren’t included in that either).
Growing up is hard. Moving to a new city and not knowing a soul is hard. But I’m given comfort in the fact that other people are putting boxes in U-Hauls and trying to find solace in the same Quora posts. Cohen says to seek “joint adventures” when creating meaningful connections with people, and what adventure could be better shared than moving to a different place?
Knowing you’re not alone in your loneliness is one of the biggest reminders I think people need post graduation (I am people). We all want to skip the small talk. We’re all seeking connection, in old and new spaces. I know when the time comes I’ll be scared. But I hope that at least I’ll be open to whatever comes next, even if someone from work wants to go bungee jumping, or asks if I want to train with them for a marathon. We’ve all started over before, and we can do it again.
Strike Out,
Sophia Massebeau
Saint Augustine
Editor: Kaya O’Rourke
Sophia Massebeau is a Staff Writer for Strike Magazine, Saint Augustine. You might catch her busking downtown or apologizing for how messy her car is. You can find her @sophiamassebeau on Instagram or sophiemass1355@gmail.com.
