Off the Grid: What I Learned from Deleting Social Media

Image Courtesy: @design.obr

My father never let me have Facebook. The constant pleads, suggested compromises and temper tantrums were ineffective every time I asked. At age 10, when Facebook became a global phenomenon, I dreamt of nothing more than to be a part of it. The updates from friends and family, the hilarious posts and memes, the ability to talk to hundreds of people at once; it enthralled me in every sense. I found myself daydreaming about what I would post or what I would say if I had one, constantly coming up with ideas and fantasizing about how much better life would be. I was consumed with envy watching my friends, older sister, and millions of others engage in an online world I couldn’t live in.  

My father always thought social media was a dangerous game. His reasoning behind never letting me have a Facebook at the time was my age, but further down the line, new reasons would appear.

I first downloaded Instagram when I was 13. I finally reached an age where I was able to have my own iPhone per my parents’ approval, and was able to join the social media universe. I absolutely loved to post. I loved receiving likes and comments and knowing that people were interested in my life. I would post just about anything; photos of me in funny costumes, photography that I had been practicing, what I was eating for lunch that day. I also loved gaining followers. There was something so thrilling about watching my follower count expand. I beamed at the thought that people liked my account and that maybe I was popular. My username was infamous; people would often address me with it. My identity became my Instagram handle. In a cruel way, it gave me a sense of purpose I hadn’t experienced before. 

It also unlocked something slightly dark within me. My so-called “passion” for social media manifested into an obsession. It’s embarrassing to admit, but that’s truly what it was. I was constantly wanting more likes and followers. When I would post a photo that didn’t get as much attention as I had hoped for, I would question everything. Did I not get enough likes because I look bad? Is the picture just boring? What if people just don’t like ME? 

I would compare myself to others on Instagram: people that got more likes and had more followers, girls that were prettier, more interesting, and more popular. It made me bitter. It made me angry yet I devoted more time to it than anything. My parents were always telling me to put my phone down. “It’s constant,” they’d say. “You never put it down. You’re addicted.” It was a drug I couldn’t stop taking. When my parents would reprimand me, all I would do is fight back. I let social media take a toll on all of my relationships; my family, friends and especially my relationship with myself. 

When I was in high school, my parents finally decided they had enough. They forced me to delete everything: Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, they even took away my new iPhone and made me use my old shattered one. I was severely punished, and I thought nothing else in this world could be worse than that. I had friends texting me asking me if I deleted my accounts and what had happened to me. I didn’t want to talk about it. It was humiliating. I just told everyone I needed a break. 

I didn’t have social media for about a year. I remember going through a serious withdrawal, not knowing how else to spend my time, what to look at, what to think about, or who I was anymore. I was disconnected. I also had major surgery during that time which made me feel especially isolated. I couldn't go anywhere to avoid the sadness. It seemed that everyone had forgotten about me entirely. I was so lonely; however, my parents didn’t let up. I needed to redevelop my character and permanently heal from it. Being allowed to download social media again appeared to be merely a pipe dream. 

With all this newfound free time on my hands, I began to experiment with interests I hadn’t explored. I started listening to new music, journaling, taking long walks and spending time with my thoughts. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I actually like myself a lot when I’m not comparing myself to strangers on the internet. I was using social media to receive validation from others when I could’ve just looked inward. I was holding myself to unrealistic expectations, I was filling my mind with negativity and shame and torturing myself. 

I began to feel the weight lifted from my shoulders once I went long enough without it. I realized I didn’t miss it at all. I would sometimes long for it when trends would appear and I wouldn’t know anything about them; it felt like I couldn’t relate. But in hindsight, I truly had grown. I realized that the person I once was was not someone I wanted to be. 

I found that social media exacerbates my anxiety more than anything. It is so easy to fall into the trap of determining your value off of your internet platform. Even today, long after I redownloaded the apps and carried on, I feel that I often do not want to post because I’m petrified by the thought of anyone making fun of me. It sounds outlandish, and it is, but this is the effect social media has had on me long-term. There is a standard to post photos that are unique, well-edited, modelesque, and follow a specific “aesthetic” that coincides with who you are. That is a concept that I loved many years ago, but now clench at the thought of it. I immediately feel overwhelmed by the pressure. Social media aggravates various deep-rooted issues I have; negative view on body image, insecurity, OCD and depression. It enables all of the things I have battled with throughout my life, starting from my early childhood. And no matter how diligently I work to improve these internal hardships, social media somehow always finds a way to spread them further within my brain. 

There have been many times where I have wanted to delete it and never look back, but feel I can’t. It is connected to everything; school, work, politics, news. Without it, it’s almost as if you’re entirely alienated, and a lot of that relates to how we as a society interact and respond to it. We allow it to control us. Social media has negatively altered my sense of self; sometimes I feel that I am trapped in a cage, hoping for freedom and justice, only to be faced with more reasons why I can’t walk away.

The documentary “The Social Dilemma” on Netflix explains into detail all of the methods in which social media currently controls society and how it is “rotting our brains”. It mentions many of the things my father said to me years ago, when he began to see it transform me. It appears that these are things we collectively acknowledge, but actively ignore. 

What is the explanation for this? To its credit, there are plenty of good reasons why we continue to engage with social media regardless of what we know, as well as reasons why I eventually downloaded it again. It is very difficult to not have social media and still feel included in defining moments of this time. For our generation, social media is unity; it is a shared culture, a way for all of us to bond and connect. It is a public forum for the exchange of ideas, the good and the bad, but either way, it opens up endless possibilities. In retrospect, I view that it has served as a catalyst for social movements that could not have been as successful without it. It is a platform for courage and change that never existed before.  

Despite its virtues, in the end I removed “ecdover” from my narrative. In the most effective ways I can, I attempt to not let it define me or mitigate my behavior. I believe that my tug-of-war with it is fairly similar to others. These feelings are all valid; it can be suffocating. If I can say anything, it’s that I benefited immensely from that experience; so much so that I force myself to have extended social media detoxes to focus my center on myself. It is a platform for art and creativity, but also intense loneliness. 

Day by day, I try to be more present in my life. When I find myself relapsing back to my old thoughts and habits, I turn my attention elsewhere. It remains an active struggle to have a healthy relationship with social media, but nonetheless I continue to persevere. I have to tell myself that my thoughts are a concoction of my old addiction and that they are not real. Social media wants me to feel this way; it needs me to need it. 

I can only imagine the future of social media, but I hope that anyone who reads this understands that the pain accompanied by it is legitimate and not uncommon. You are not alone. 

While social media connects us and defines us, it is also predatory, abusive and patronizing. And although it may come with chains, never forget you can always set yourself free.  

Strike Out, 

Writer: Ellie Dover

Editor: Gianna Rodriguez

Athens