Navigating Situationships: A Guide to Setting Boundaries and Finding Clarity
Image Courtesy: Caitlin Houston
Girl, you’re so confusing sometimes.
If you are on social media, Gen Z, or in college, you’ve either been in a “situationship” before or know what it is. However, suppose you’re somehow out of the loop. In that case, a situationship is “a romantic or sexual relationship that is undefined and noncommittal, where people are more than friends but less than committed partners." It honestly doesn’t matter what age or gender you are; you could be a victim of a situationship and the mental toll it takes on a person. I know I’ve fallen victim to my situationship before, but take it from a veteran–I can help you win this battle.
Imagine this: Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and every time you step into a convenience store, you are bombarded with the sight of chocolate hearts and teddy bears. If you are in a situationship, you might ask yourself, “Should I buy them something?” as you pass the aisles. Unfortunately, I cannot answer that question, but I can give you a few tips on determining if they deserve a gift (even if it's cheap candy). Hint: If you can do the first step, the answer is no.
Step One: Recognizing the Red Flags
Firstly, take off the rose-colored glasses. Secondly, no, you cannot fix them.
Obviously, you have some form of connection and chemistry with this person, but that doesn’t mean they’re treating you well. You need to recognize the red flags, even if it’s a faint red or a firetruck red. They all matter.
The hangouts: If they only see you at the last minute, if they only see you at night time, if you’re the only one trying to make plans, you never go on real dates, and if your hangouts always end up in the bedroom, the flag is waving high. This behavior simply means that you are not a priority, or they only seek intimacy out of you. No one deserves that.
Inconsistent communication: Are you guys constantly playing a game of who can leave who on delivered longer? Are their messages dry? Do they avoid topics of emotional vulnerability? Do they only reach out when it’s beneficial to them? If you answered yes to any of those questions, it’s time to go.
They straight up manipulate you: “I just have commitment issues, that’s why we cannot be together,” “You’re too sensitive,” "You're overthinking.” If any of this is familiar, sorry to tell you, you’re being manipulated. Those are just a couple of manipulation tactics people can use in situationships. On the contrary, you can also hear a lot of nice things, and I mean a lot, and then the next week they couldn’t care less about you. That is love bombing: another manipulation tactic!
There is no label, and there hasn’t been for a while. You shouldn’t jump into a relationship after a week of knowing them, but if there’s no sign of a label in the future, leave.
You feel like you give more than you get: if you’re not benefitting from this relationship, why stay?
Your self-esteem is lower in this situationship than when you’re single.
If they’re secretive about you or secretive with you, there’s a chance they’re talking to other people.
If you recognize any of those red flags, it’s time to follow the next step.
Image Courtesy: Teen Vogue
Step Two: Setting Boundaries
If I had seen this step three years ago, I would’ve clicked out of this article as fast as humanly possible. Setting boundaries is a scary thing for anyone, and it’s worse when it’s with a potential partner. Most commonly, there are two sides to a situationship: the person who wants it to be casual and the person who does not. If you’re the person who does not, chances are you’re keeping the other person around just in case they change their mind (it’s been eight months, they’re not going to). This is when you need to face your fears and set some boundaries. Talking face-to-face is recommended, but if that option is too frightening, you can call or text your situationship too. To set boundaries, you have to be blunt. Tell them your deal breakers, express your limits, and be specific. If your situationship receives all the benefits of your love without a label, it’s time to set boundaries and be honest.
“Are we just hooking up, or will this ever be something more?”
“What do you want out of this?”
“I won’t tolerate love without a label.”
“Do you think we will ever be official? If so, when?”
Those are some examples of questions you can ask your situationship to figure out your situation and find a solution. You know deep down what you want, so tell them. It is never embarrassing to be honest and share your emotions. In fact, it is quite admirable. If they want to keep it casual and you can't accept that, LET GO! No teddy bear or candy for them. Thousands of people in the world will meet your needs. Your soulmate would never leave you confused like this, and that is the brutal truth.
Step Three: Dealing with Emotions
Hopefully, you went your separate ways if setting boundaries didn’t go well and you both want different things. This is going to hurt. You cared about this person, and you wanted a relationship with them. It is hard not getting what you want after giving so much to them. During this emotional time, it is common to have thoughts such as: Why wasn’t I good enough to date? What did I do wrong? Am I not attractive enough? Why did I put myself through this? You need to counter these thoughts. Just because a person does not want to be with you does not mean YOU are the problem; it is vital to remember that. After that, it’s time to start moving on. Here’s the plan:
Counter the negative thoughts. Think of things such as “I gave all I could. One day, I will find someone who values that,” “I am enough,” or “I put as much effort in as I could.”
Spend some time away from your ex-situationship. Chances are you still have feelings for them, and continuing contact with them can negatively affect you. This doesn’t mean you can never speak to them again, but spend time away.
Talk to a friend or your family. Don’t be embarrassed that you were a part of a “situationship.” You may believe people might think you’re ridiculous since you never dated this person. However, people who love and care about you will help you sort out your emotions and feel better, something your situationship never could do.
Find a healthy coping mechanism. I recommend not jumping straight into the dating scene again. Do not download Tinder. Instead, start journaling, running, taking photos, or asking your friends to hang out more. Do not cope by texting your ex-situationship. I’ve been there, and it does not work. In fact, it might take you all the way back to step one (or before that).
Save yourself the troubles this Valentine’s Day by figuring out your “situationship.” You will meet so many people in your lifetime, and again, take it from a veteran: That person who texts you once a day is not your soulmate.
Strike Out,
Writer: Parker Snaith
Editor: Dani Hernandez
Graphic Designer: Annabella McDaniel
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