Managing your Sexpectations

Sexpectations: A person's expectations about what sex and sexuality should or will look like.

Before we even embark on our first sexual experiences, our sexpectations are structured by the world around us — typically through media.

“Twilight” promised me bed-breaking passion and fairy-tale romance. Reality? Didn’t quite meet the sexpectations. But not every piece of media creates unrealistic sexpectations. Of course, there is no way to showcase everyone’s unique experiences, but there are shows out there that do a great job showcasing the messy highs and lows!

As your friendly neighborhood sex educator, I’m here today to discuss some of my favorite shows and evaluate how realistic the sexpectations they set really are.

*There will be spoilers, so feel free to skip the shows you are planning to watch*

Jane the Virgin

Sexpectations: Just a tad high

Jane the Virgin is my favorite show of all time, hands down. But is it the most realistic? Nah… But it’s not bad. Jane is a romance novelist and the show is a telenovela, so of course it is going to be unrealistic on the romance side. The over-the-top movie moments and amorous twists and turns are beautiful but obviously idealized. However, the sexpectations are a bit more down to earth.

This show offers the perspective of a woman who is waiting for marriage. I think this is super cool because you don’t see many positive depictions of that in modern media. We often see sexually liberated characters as a sign of progress, but true progress means showcasing a full spectrum of identities and experiences.

Jane’s struggles with purity culture are incredibly authentic. The discussion of sex and religion is never black and white in Jane’s family, considering her boldly sexual mother and more conservative Catholic abuela’s perspectives. Jane is complicated, and so is life.

It’s a beautiful show, which is why I say the expectations are just a tad high. The show takes a typically exaggerated and passionate television format, the telenovela, and imbues it with realistic themes.

For instance, you aren’t likely to have a nice guy detective and a sexy millionaire/accidental baby daddy fighting for your love. However, you are likely to have conflicts between the head and heart, which Michael and Rafael represent.

So for telenovela standards, this show is incredibly realistic. But for general television, I think this show would set your sexpectations a little high.

Sex Education

Sexpectations: ???

This show was challenging for me to rank, because it explores such diverse stories about sexuality and is so openly explicit. But at the same time, it is incredibly hypersexual.

So, if you are able to see the show as hyperbole I think you can learn so much about the wide range of sexual encounters that young people experience. There is a plethora of queer representation, self-discovery, awkward conversations and sexual difficulty. The producers truly conducted fantastic research to inform the plotlines.

But, if you watch as a middle schooler headed into high school and this is what you expect your world to look like, your sexpectations will not be met. I wish we were as open as the characters in “Sex Education” are, but the depictions are exaggerated for effect. If you watch the show and expect a new world of open sexploration in your future, you will be pretty underwhelmed.

Bridgerton

Sexpectations: In the clouds

I have read every “Bridgerton” book and watched every episode — it is the most unrealistic, intimate, sexy show out right now. This show will leave you expecting to get railed on a bed of rose petals after a slow-burn love affair. It’s not realistic, but man is it fun.

It is incredibly unlikely that a woman who had never explored her sexuality would orgasm during her first sexual experience via penetration. But, my Bridgerton girls get there every dang time. This is one of many examples of the over-romanticized world of Bridgerton. I appreciate that “Bridgerton” subtly weaves in LGBTQ storylines; they add depth and resonate with viewers who crave more diverse, joyful representation.

But ultimately, the sex on “Bridgerton” is incredibly glamorized and lacks nuance. Sex is portrayed as constantly intimate and satisfying from the jump, and as much as I would love that, it just isn’t always the case.

Big Mouth

Sexpectations: Surprisingly on Point

“Big Mouth” has a playful and provocative vibe that sets it apart from the other shows I will talk about. The show is partly unique because it is an animated comedy, but mostly because it revolves around kids.

We do not like to talk about adolescent sexuality, but it exists and this show refuses to ignore that. Sure it is over the top and raunchy, but it perfectly matches the insanity of being a middle schooler going through puberty.

The hormone monster’s exaggerated and hyper-sexual personalities are fabulous depictions of the heightened sexuality in teenagers. The awkward and diverse characters are key to understanding young people's different experiences.

The show has songs about taboo topics like masturbation, the vulva, homosexuality, sexual tension, menstruation and body hair. It’s weird and kooky, but so is budding sexuality.

Is it realistic in the sense that everything in the show actually happens in real life? No, of course not. But is it realistic through its aggressively honest and over-the-top representation of being a middle schooler? Absolutely.

Sex and the City

Sexpectations: Perfectly Realistic

I could not have written this article without including the Mona Lisa of television. I truly think there is no better show to exemplify the full spectrum of sexuality for a woman. Each main character has starkly different sexual projects and experiences triumphs and losses as she pursues them.

You see, Carrie repeatedly falls into a toxic relationship for passion, Samantha explores her sexuality by dating a woman, Charlotte deals with her partner’s sexual dysfunction and Miranda debates her options during an unwanted pregnancy. We see sex that is funny, magical, scary and embarrassing. This show has it all, and the way each friend reacts, with their distinct personalities, brilliantly highlights how different people handle situations uniquely.

Ultimately, the show is so powerful because it is staunchly sex-positive, yet it maintains its realism through honest depictions of the highs and lows women face. And it did it all in the 90s and 2000s.

I love all of these shows, and I know they each have something to add to the broader conversation about sex and sexuality. Watching shows like “Bridgerton” can be a fantastic escape from reality. Trust me, I have no qualms about living out our dreams through the television. But, it’s important to juxtapose some realistic shows with our fantastical favorites on occasion. I’ll tell you right now that some of my romance novel fanatic friends were sorely disappointed to find out that sex with Brad from Theta Delta is not as riveting as making love to Rhysand, the high lord of the Night Court. We’ve all been there. But we can manage our sexpectations by being mindful of the media we intake. Enjoy the glamour of exaggerated shows while grounding yourself in the unadulterated stories that will set you up for sexual success… sexess!

Strike out,

Writer: Ginger Koehler

Editor: Naina Chauhan

Ginger Koehler, otherwise locally known as "the sex girl", is everyone's favorite sex and relationship educator and columnist, or at least that's what she likes to think. She is a certified yapper and not-so-certified rapper, and if you ask her to freestyle you will find out why. If you'd like to reach out, direct all questions and guacamole recipes to her Instagram @gingerkoehler52, or email gingerkoehler52@gmail.com - we made her promise not to rap back.

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