Kids of Divorce Aren’t F*cked Up; They’re Fabulous
Having to witness the split of your parents is not an easy thing. If you didn’t have to witness it but still grew up with divorced parents, growing up with separated parents while other kids did activities with their whole family just sucked. It's understandable to feel like you missed out on the “normal,” “happy” family. However, being a kid of divorced parents is not all bad. There are, in fact, some benefits that we may take for granted and may even use to brag about (it’s ok, we deserve it). We may have missed out on growing up in a “traditional” family, but we gained qualities that made us even better.
The main question struggling couples face is whether or not they should stay together “for the kids” or get divorced. If you have wished your parents stayed together, I’m here to tell you they did you a favor by getting divorced. If your parents were considering divorce, that obviously means something in their relationship was not working out. Yes, couples fight, but to consider divorce is a significant thing and means that their issues are prominent. Staying together would have been a lot worse for everyone. Therapist Kathy Hardie-Williams says, “Children do much better when their parents are happy and doing well, physically and mentally. Sometimes finding this state of well-being and happiness requires ending the marriage or partnership.” In other words, kids will be better off with two separated, happy parents than two miserable parents that are together. If your parents are more satisfied with being separated, they actually saved you from the stress of being in the middle of an unhappy marriage. Plus, they gave you some sick traits in return. Sounds like a win-win.
One of the most positive effects divorce has on kids is independence. As Hardy-Williams explains, “Due to the change in income often experienced, children often have to become more self-sufficient, as both parents are most likely working. Even when one parent was able to stay at home before the divorce, that parent will most likely need to work after the divorce, and children, accordingly, must often take more responsibility for household chores.” This leaves kids to spend more time alone and take on more responsibilities. I am highly self-sufficient, and my parent’s divorce had much to do with that. I remember making my own meals at a much younger age than my peers and was not used to seeing my friends’ parents being in charge of what they ate. Aside from monitoring my own eating, I always kind of just did what I wanted. Now I’m not going to lie; that isn’t always the best thing for a kid. However, it made me extremely independent. I feel like I can handle anything on my own, a trait I wouldn’t trade for the world.
It’s no lie when people say trauma makes you stronger. If you had to go through your parents separating at an age you can remember, you probably became more resilient and apt to handle difficult situations. Having to go through a stressful time earlier in life better prepares you for conflicts in the future. Some people may see this outcome as a shitty benefit to a shitty situation, but don’t take it for granted! Bad things happen to everyone, sadly. At least for us kids of divorce, we can now handle the bad situations better, so they don’t have as much of a profound impact on our mental health.
Living through the aftermath of a failed marriage, children of divorce have a heightened desire not to have their relationship end up like their parents. They appreciate the hard work it takes to make a marriage work and the consequences it can have if it doesn’t work out. Hardie-Williams states, “They will often make special efforts to ensure their relationships are more stable and healthy due to experiencing chronic conflict between their parents and the resulting stress they experienced while growing up.” Commitment is no small thing, and they understand the significance of marriage. Your future spouse thanks you.
Having divorced parents is no picnic. We all wish to grow up in a “traditional” family with two happily married parents. Unfortunately, this is, more often than not, not the case. However, beyond all that we feel we missed out on, we have gained some amazing traits that help us to be intelligent and quality human beings. We may be a little f*cked up, but who isn’t? I think we turned out pretty fabulous.
Strike Out,
Ally Nelson
Boca Raton
