Eat More to Eat More

When I was 13, I only wanted to be seen as small. I thrived off of watching others enjoy Funfetti cake on their birthdays while I worried about the grams of sugar in the few bites I managed to take. I sipped green tea in the fall while my friends ordered pumpkin spice lattes. I always added an extra splash of cream to guests’ coffees while leaving mine black and bitter like the discipline I thought I had cultivated. Slowly but surely, life became a futile competition with myself to become smaller and smaller until I would one day disappear.

When I turned 14, I decided to finally open up about the things I was feeling — secretly hoping for permission to occupy just a little bit of space in the world. Sitting in front of a professional who I had no reason to trust, I scoffed at the five words she affirmed: “Eat more to eat more.” Her circular wording defied everything I had known and lived by for a year. So, I listened and told her about the pancakes I ate for breakfast, and then I went home and planned all the ways I would keep myself small without drawing attention for the next three years.

It was not until I blew out the candles on my 17th birthday that I finally allowed myself to have a slice of the cake...and then another...and then another. One year away from entering adulthood, I was fed up with the impossible standards I had set. Not only had I ruined my relationship with food, but I had ruined my relationship with myself — constantly fearing what other people thought of me instead of what I thought of myself. I saw the insecurity harboring in every crevice of my personality, and I wondered how I could ever look someone in the eye during a conversation or make the jokes I said in my mind but never out loud. Then it hit me: “Eat more to eat more.”

It turns out that “eat more to eat more” did not mean what I thought it meant. Sure, it did refer to the process of reverse dieting to speed up metabolism. But to me, it became so much more than that. It became a mantra to live by and a reminder to step outside of my comfort zone. I was never going to be seen if I continued to shrink myself and my voice. I know that guys like the quiet girls and that being the loudest in the room is considered audacious, but I have spent far too long being small and silent and wondering why no one ever cared about my feelings or opinions.

The truth is, if you want to be able to eat that slice of cake on your birthday without fear or guilt, you have to eat a slice every day for breakfast until it no longer scares you. The same concept applies to exuding the confidence you hold somewhere deep inside. There will be moments when you make a joke and nobody in the room laughs. There will be days when you wear those 6-inch heels and trip in front of everyone. Mostly, you will feel paralyzed to step outside of your comfort zone. Ultimately though, the only way you will feel comfortable eating more one day in the future is to challenge yourself to eat more today.

As I continue to grow in many ways, I always remind myself to do the hard things now. I am not the epitome of confidence. Most days, I regret half of the things that come out of my mouth and turn my back to strangers in the elevators. Nonetheless, I am working on it. Even when I can only find things to hate in the mirror, I still put on my best outfit and head into the kitchen to make chocolate chip pancakes doused in peanut butter. Giggling over brunch with my roommates, walking to class with bright red lipstick and raising my hand to voice my opinions, I am proud to take up the space around me. There are a lot of titles I would be honored to take — confident, smart or funny — but never again will I allow the word “small” to define me.

Image Courtesy: Pinterest

Strike Out,

Writer: Ria Pai

Editor: Denisa Fluturas

Gainesville

Byline: Ria Pai is a writer for Strike Magazine GNV. She starts her day with copious amounts of coffee and ends it laying in bed thinking of witty comebacks to unlikely scenarios. During the interim, she enjoys making elaborate meals for the people she loves, ranting about the same three topics in her journal and never skipping leg day.