Delusion, Denial & Detachment – Is This Dating?
Sipping on Cosmos and hyper-analyzing your love life with your friends — is this some twisted spinoff of “Sex and the City”? Only, instead of skipping down Upper East Side in your Jimmy Choos, you’re skipping your confused little behind back from frat row in a pair of oversized Nike slides. Leave out the glamor; this is “Sex and the University.”
If you’re anything like me, you binged reruns of shows about the single life growing up, romanticizing the confusion and mystery that came along with dating. Do they love me? Do they love me not? How beautiful, how exciting it seemed to be so consumed with another person! Well, I may have to revise my former thesis — this shit is tiring.
I’ve reached the conclusion that we (and by “we,” I mean others as emotionally unhinged as I am) function in three axes: delusion, denial and detachment. Before I delve into the specifics, please note that I have not even a crumb of a resolution to provide. This is not a self-help guide, just a sharing of the experiences my friends and I have had.
Delusion. This is a big one for me. In the natal chart of dating, it resides in my first house. Luckily, my best friend shares this quirk with me, making our morning-after debriefs incredibly deranged. Here’s a recap of a real-life conversation:
Me: “He made out with a girl directly in front of me after we arrived at the bar together.”
Her: “Are you insane? He obviously wanted to make you jealous.”
Me: “Then why hasn’t he reached out since then?”
Her: “He is so incredibly intimidated by how deep his feelings are for you that he had to distract himself.”
Me: “And that probably stems from not receiving enough love from his mom as a child.”
Her: “Yes, and you must remind him of the love he could have but is unable to accept.”
Me: “Makes so much sense.”
Sometimes, when things are too hurtful to accept, we rely on an instinctual coping mechanism of spinning the truth into something we can process. Don’t blame me, blame evolution. Going through life in utter delusion can be a great way to maintain a storybook fantasy. You can write your own destiny if it’s all in your head!
Denial — it’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s where my mind goes when I sense someone being remotely interested in me. They could send me flowers, dote on me all day, ask me to hangout every evening and still, I wouldn’t believe they care. Could this be a toxic mindset I have that I’m not good enough? Could it be a byproduct of being surrounded by hookup culture? Yeah. Will I overcome this? Only time will tell. Maybe I should take it as a sign that all the podcasts I listen to are sponsored by the online therapy company Better Help.
Detachment. Now, this looks different for me each time. Withdrawing from someone out of fear of vulnerability? Done it. Withdrawing in a social gathering to hyper-analyze a minute situation? Check. Withdrawing from my school work to journal and cry to Lana Del Rey? Literally last night. You’d best believe I’ll be taking time in my enclosure to internalize my thoughts before I fathom expressing them. My Squishmallow knows all. This may not be productive for myself or anyone around me, so maybe I’ll start telling people how I feel instead of suppressing it. Big ask, though, to instruct a girl to go out on a limb!
Now, after reading this, you might find it completely unrelatable. If so, I envy you. This whole dating thing may not be as glamorous as it’s portrayed in the media, but you can always turn on Taylor’s “Sad, Beautiful, Tragic” and think about how beautiful it is that you love so deeply. Even when it wrenches your stomach and clams up your hands, it’s quite amazing that our hearts can feel this much.
Strike out,
Writer: Olivia Evans
Editor: AJ Bafer
Graphic:
Gainesville
