College Hookup Stories That Should Be Taken to the Grave

Image Courtesy: Entertainment Weekly

Everyone has had their fair share of *interesting* hookups– especially when trying to navigate your way through the weird and awkward time that is college. You’ve heard the typical tales, the sex that lasted two minutes, the hit and quit, maybe a roommate walking in, but these stories have a certain element of what the actual f*ck. 

These bizarre sexual encounters (anonymously) recounted by college students are guaranteed to make you feel 100 times better about your awkward sex life! They probably should have never been shared in the first place, but lucky for you, they were. So sit back, relax, and be prepared to cringe, laugh, and be completely turned off! 

This Isn’t Yoga

"I matched with this guy on Tinder, and I went over to his house, or should I say his mom's house. Mind you, it was his 23rd birthday. So we're hanging out, and he's peeping out the window every five seconds to see if his mom came home because he was scared to have a girl over– even though he's 23. So we started making out, and literally immediately before we did the deed, he stopped and announced that he needed to stretch. This man literally f*cking did a full body stretch; I'm talking ass in the air, legs against the wall, doing backward somersaults."

Ahh, stretching before sex. Good for the body but not good for entertaining a girl. Maybe if you want to stretch, do it before your partner makes their way over? Looking out the window for your mommy also has to be one of the world's best turn-offs. 

Vamp Sex

“I was going to hook up with this girl, and I’ve known her for a while, right? One day after going out, we came back, got naked, and started getting into it. We were making out, and she started kissing my neck and sh*t; everything was fine, and we were having a good time. Then she f*cking bit me, like to the point where I bled. And drank it.” 

Unfortunately, girls, as amazing as it sounds, we are not in Vampire Diaries, and he is not your Damon Salvatore. So maybe if you bite him, don’t draw blood. And if you do, apologize, and don’t drink it. Weirdness aside, that has to have some severe health risks, too, doesn’t it??

I’m Sorry… You Said On the Ferris Wheel?

“Basically, I was drunk as f*ck at the Florida State Fair with my current boyfriend (it was before we started dating, though), and we went on the Ferris wheel. We started making out, and both of us were kind of down to have sex, so we did. I just kind of went for it. It seemed like a fun idea at the time. It was one of those closed-in ones, but it was still a little scary because I felt like it was going to flip.”

Okay, this is so illegal and honestly pretty dangerous (those with acrophobia are screaming), but is it weird to be… jealous? 

In the EYE?!! 

“So this girl was my S.O. in high school. One day we were hooking up, everything was going great and stuff like that, we were having sex, when she finished, she was…squirting as you would say, and it got everywhere (and I mean everywhere). It got in my eye, my face, things of that sort, you know, it was pretty, pretty wild…I was very unprepared at that moment. When it happened, it kind of went all over my chest, my body, went in my eye, went in my face. It got crazy. My eyes were burning for three days.” 

First off, kudos to this man for making a girl squirt, but in the EYE?! The “unpreparedness” is absolutely sending me, but how do you even become prepared for this? Duck and cover!?

He Broke My Cooch 

“One time, freshman year, I was in the dorms, and this football player had asked me to hang out. I went over, and we started making out. One thing led to another, and his hands made it into my pants, and you know how this story ends. I went to give him head, and we were on a twin-sized bed, so I was like sitting back on my heels doing it; I sat up, and I noticed that my heel was covered in blood. At first, I was like, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I must’ve cut myself shaving or something,” you know, not thinking it was anything to do with him. I ended up going to the bathroom, and I looked down, and my vagina was swollen to like the size of a tennis ball, so naturally, I started freaking out. I realized that this man had fingered me so hard that he literally broke my cooch with his fingers.”

AHHHH!! Men have some fun, but please be gentle. Our vaginas are a sensitive place. If she is profusely bleeding from a finger, you are doing something very, very horribly wrong. 

Moral of the story, have fun, stay supa freaky, but stay safe. Get consent from your partner before trying weird stuff, do things legally (for the most part), and try not to tip over a carnival ride. If these stories don’t make you feel better about your horrible hookups, I don’t know what will. 

Strike Out, 

Morgan Harms

Boca Raton

Morgan Harms is a Content Writer for Strike Magazine. She is a pisces mermaid, infatuated with the ocean and the color blue. She spends her free time searching for the perfect wave, taking walks on the beach, daydreaming about traveling the world and blasting music from whatever genre she’s into that day. You can reach her on Instagram @morganjharms, or by email morganjharms@gmail.com