Breaking Up with Toxic Advice
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Last week, my roommates and I gathered for a movie night, settling in to watch the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. Little did I know, I was about to embark on a two-hour journey of cliched dating advice—a narrative I’ve painfully endured in the past. The character Gigi is bombarded with meaningless relationship “wisdom” throughout the entire movie. For example, “If a guy gives you his phone number instead of taking yours, he’s not interested.” To make matters worse, the story unfolds predictably, leaving me with a sour taste in my mouth. After the movie ended and desperate to escape the tired dating cliches, I turned on my phone only to find someone screaming in my face about the same things. The oversaturation of relationship advice all over the internet is relentless and has rendered it all seemingly meaningless. Hidden behind our phones or buried in books, lost in the pursuit of dating research, we’ve forgotten the point of it all – to actually date.
The truth is, dating is not objective. There is no formula and there is no method. What is being studied should be felt and explored. The prevalent issue with much of the current dating advice saturating media is the implicit suggestion that our authentic selves are flawed. A commonly echoed phrase, “If they wanted to, they would,” reverberates incessantly in my mind, yearning for escape. However, this expression places the blame on the person questioning rather than the person doing, thus beginning the inevitable spiral of overthinking: “Why didn’t they want to?” “What is wrong with me?” “What do I have to change?” This cascade of self-doubt transforms into a further deep dive into the world of relationship advice that exists out there. The cycle will only break when we actively choose to rewire our perceptions about dating.
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Shera Seven has risen to fame as one of the most popular dating coaches on the internet. She is particularly popular among women intrigued by relationships with older men (undoubtedly for their alluring charisma, not their heavy wallets). While some of her advice might resonate with you, it’s essential, like every other piece of dating advice, to take it with a grain of salt. Ironically, it might be doing exactly the opposite of its intended purpose – rather than propel you into the dating scene, you might find yourself sitting across from your date with the sound of Shera’s voice filling your head like an earworm, overshadowing your intuition. Trusting your instincts is an impossible task in dating, even before the overflow of relationship advice that tries to creep to the surface.
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Furthermore, there is a book that encapsulates the peak of toxic dating advice, titled “Why Men Love Bitches.” This dating guide essentially details every way a woman needs to change to get a man's attention. In this narrative, men are portrayed as an entirely new species elevated onto a pedestal while women are the malleable creatures, the chameleons expected to conform to the will of men. Is this the kind of mindset we want to adopt in our approach to dating? The apprehension of reaching out, fearing we aren’t embodying the “bitch” that he supposedly wants, or the anxiety that comes with waiting for a text back and questioning “Is he just not that into me?”
In the grand maze of dating advice that clutters our lives, there is only one piece of wisdom worth clinging to – let go of it all. Throw away those dating books, unfollow that dating coach, and dive headfirst into the world of dating. Go through heartbreak, let sadness linger, then pick yourself up and start all over again. Go on an awkward date and never talk to them again. Go on an amazing date and get ghosted. Shower someone with flowers, write them gut-wrenching poetry, spill out “I love you” impulsively, or hold it back. Juggle multiple connections, tumble into love, fall out of love. Liberate yourself from inhibitions and the suffocating grip of advice, as the enticing journey of dating unravels itself one brave step at a time.
Strike Out,
Writer: Isabella Santiago
Editor: Lindsey Limbach
Tallahassee