Because I am a Mirrorball
Image Courtesy: Strike Magazine Tallahassee
You broke me into a million pieces only to put me back together again. You said you “liked me so much” and yet, you left me alone. Isolated in a town I was not familiar with. I was authentic, but you were not. You lied. You put on an Oscar-worthy performance full of trickery and deception. I wanted to believe you. I make excuses to my friends that you’re an amazing guy. I want to believe there is more, I hope, and yearn for more.
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I cut off contact. I mirror your actions as if they were my own. As if I was unaffected by what you did. I want you. I need you, just as much as I need air to breathe. I yearn for your affection, your kisses, and your love. You broke me, broke me into a million pieces as if I was nothing to you.
Now I’m slowly putting myself together, but this time I don’t have the king’s horses and his men. I’m alone. There is no you anymore. I now have become a mirrorball. Once broken, now back together. The pieces aren’t fully sealed, the cracks are still open. Yet, each piece is now a reflection of everything you put me through. Mirroring each ounce of love and pain you inflicted on me.
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From the outside perspective, I’m fine; unharmed, untouched by any ounce of pain. The reflection I see in the mirror is strong, but I know deep down the girl I see is so tired, so sad, and in so much pain. I’m just trying to mirror what I know people want to see, what you would want to see. I’m now trying so hard to catch your gaze, to receive a single call or text from you. I post on Instagram, hoping you’ll see it and it’ll spark something. A spark is all I need. A spark will relight the flame we once had, but this time it will burn brighter than before.
This time, all the shiny reflections that lay on my skin will show a version of the girl you want, the girl I can never truly be. I mirror your actions, your words, and your mannerisms as if they were my own. I begin to lose who I am as every part of me begins to turn into someone who would catch your gaze.
Image Courtesy: Pinterest
I yearn for your love. A love I perceive to be so good and true, but it’s not. Your love is cold, and it comes at a cost, a cost that I can no longer afford. A price too high, too unreachable. I lost myself in trying to be who you want, reflecting, mirroring, trying to be the next best version of myself just so you would want me.
I said in the beginning that you were not authentic, but I was the one who truly wasn’t. We were just two mirrorballs, reflecting what we both thought the other wanted. Trying to lure in our prey like the hunters we are. Our perception was skewed. We were blinded by each other’s duplicity. Two mirrorballs tied together by an invisible string yet to be broken.
Strike Out,
Writer: Lauren Butrum
Editor: Jayna O
Tallahassee