Anxious & Avoidant Relationships - What Makes Them Doomed?

A part of my personal journey in therapy was to figure out who I really was. In my last major relationship, I was so reliant on my partner to be my savior, to be the rock, and to be there 24/7. It wasn’t fair to them and certainly wasn't fair to me. I was not me– I had lost myself in this relationship. I felt constantly triggered and in discomfort like I was walking on eggshells around my significant other. When things ended, the months of pent-up anxiety and stress caused me to do some embarrassing things I am not proud of.  An anxious and avoidant attached relationship is when one partner who has an anxious attachment style becomes attached to someone who is avoidant. It sounds self-explanatory, but it goes way deeper than that.

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Anxious attachment usually comes from a place of seeking out intimacy with others. People who struggle with this have a very hard time facing rejection and abandonment. On the other hand, avoidants tend to step away from these feelings of closeness and conflict harshly with their anxiously attached partner. Both attachment styles usually develop over time due to past family, friendship, or relationship trauma. When these two kinds of people are in a relationship together, it can become hard to navigate. The anxious tend to not speak up on their feelings in fear of rejection or abandonment, and the avoidant tend to not speak up because they have been taught that their feelings essentially don’t matter. 

As someone who knows they have an anxious attachment, I have always felt the intense need to feel close to my partners. Anxious attachments make it very clear to their avoidant partners how much they want to be around them. For an avoidant, this can begin to trigger their attachment just by the sheer amount of infatuation their partner has. Too much closeness can make the partner feel suffocated. An avoidant partner requires a certain level of independence and emotional distance to feel peace. This puts the anxious’ needs to the side in order to make the avoidant content. This goes straight against their desire to be close and leaves them with feelings of abandonment. They become worried that their partner is drifting away from them, or that they have done something wrong. However, most of the time this is simply how the avoidant functions.

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This act of self-service can lead the anxious partner to believe that the relationship is one-sided. They begin to feel that their partner is not putting in as much effort as they are. This sentiment shines through in arguments when the anxious wants to get closer and work through the problem, and the avoidant tends to keep a distance and not focus on the real issue at hand. This can start a serious issue where one person will start to villainize their partner for their clinginess or lack of care. This tends to create feelings of relationship instability. Anxious feel like their partner is becoming uninterested, while avoidant, begin to feel like their partner is too high maintenance. The avoidant often feels like they are not good enough to give the anxious what they need to feel loved.

Unfortunately, this dynamic is considered toxic. Both parties require different things out of each other that they can not provide, which leads to constant arguments. In my personal experience in this dynamic, this led to me always remaining silent about how my partner's avoidant needs were making me feel. I rarely spoke up and let it eat at me. When I did speak up, nothing seemed to truly change. This can cause either party to start pinning the problems in your relationship on each other. However, you two are just incompatible with each other, and it makes it extremely difficult to work through any complications.

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Having either of these attachment styles doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you want to create a toxic relationship, but unfortunately, it is the dynamic you will find yourself in. Take care of yourself and learn what you require in romantic relationships. When we don’t acknowledge this part of ourselves, we keep finding the same partner in different bodies. 

Strike Out,

Jessica Giraldo

Saint Augustine